I've decided to keep blogging during this process but not posting them until we are ready to share all the news. It's a good way to keep it all current, with information and the details of the journey. So if you are reading this entry....there are probably a few of these entitled "secret entry" and with the date I wrote them. And also be prepared for tissues, don't say I didn't warn you.
Yesterday I had requested, of Stephanie, to be called after 4pm, that way I would have to hold in my happiness around co-workers or control myself from sobbing all day if the news wasn't good news.
So I got the phone call on my way home, about 4:30. The words were "I wish I was calling with better news..." I amazingly didn't cry, was able to keep it together to ask some questions like: what was my number? (4.9) what should it have been? (Over 100) next steps? (Stop taking meds...Schedule a consultation to discuss frozen egg transfer-FET) I tried to sound all very logical, inquisitive, okay with the news. But let's be honest, Stephanie didn't buy and either did I.
Paul and I had had plans to go to one of our fave restaurant to celebrate our 2nd year anniversary a few nights early. When I got home I shared the news with him and he was definitely in shock with the news. And actually as I am writing this 5 hours later...I in shock still too.
Needless to say we didn't go out for dinner, we did take out from another fave place. I had zero appetite but was thankful Paul made me eat some. I really am blessed with an amazing husband.
I have been crying on and off all night, and will get hit at the most random times. I'm rewinding the last two weeks, the last month, the past few months, trying to figure out if I did something wrong, didn't follow the medicine directions correctly, didn't rest enough, etc. I know I'm not alone in asking and worrying about these things. Paul keeps reassuring me that we did it as we were told, we did everything we could. I have to believe him, but the doubt is real and it's painful.
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