Y'all....this week was hard!!! Between Shea not eating/sleeping and me trying to make sure everything for Nourish Marketplace and my work for LulaRoe was done before the end of next week...well let's just say the stress got to me big time.
Tuesday, when our nurses were worried about Shea, my mom offered to come over. I said he was okay, "but I could definitely use you," Our nurse stayed until my mom arrived. Honestly because I think she was worried about me. Shea was doing okay. Enjoying himself in the pack and play. Not eating, not sleeping, but he wasn't screaming #wecallthatawin. My mom and I ate dinner, she took care of Shea while I sat at the table...not sure what I did. But then it got to me. I went and sat down next to her and lost it...I just put my head on her shoulder and bawled. Just for a few minutes. I needed the release. The being told it was okay for me to be stressed out and it was okay to cry. (By the way I am huge crier! Don't know why I think I have be to tough now that I am a mom) By the time my mom went home, I was in a better place. Okay that may be a lie, but I was not a hot teary mess.
Wednesday, the emotional exhaustion finally started becoming physical exhaustion. I had a meeting in am and seemed to do okay there...but I got home and just was a bit off. I was so tired. I could have taken a nice long nap, but I had to pump and take pictures for work and yes, I had scheduled another meet up in afternoon. I was a bit worried, as I was sheer exhausted but the drive was quick and easy. I got home, looked at our nurse and said "I think I will send Paul down at 4 so you can go" (more on why Paul was home early) I went up pump, pretty sure I fell asleep while I pumped, crawled into bed and read my book for 10 minutes. Fell asleep for oh maybe 5 min and then a stinking telemarketer called and woke me up...aahhhhhhh! By the time our nurse left, Paul came up, Shea screamed, Paul went and got him and brought him to me. I knew no nap was going to happen. Dinner seemed very foreign to me. My mom had offered to come take care of the adults. (Paul had worked the previous night and got maybe 3 hours of sleep. I had slept with one eye open, which I always do when he is gone...but this time I was watching and listening to Shea.) So Momma to the rescue again...brought us some yummy delicious dinner. We vegged on the couch, she cleaned. I mean this woman is awesome! I love her so much. I can't even describe it.
Thursday, my mom came back, but we had scheduled that last week. This is usually a day we clean, clean, clean, and/or I go to work. I have been taking photos at home trying not to expose Shea to everything out there, especially this week. And I did do some cleaning in the house. And got some work done for work. But it was hard. So physically hard. My mom, Grams to Shea, got the kiddo to eat and sleep almost his normal amount. Amazing!!! She and I got some things accomplished too. Not much. (Like that photo frame I need to finish still on the kitchen table!) But enough to call today a win.
During this time, I received a call from Shea's nurse navigator thru the insurance company. Nicole and I have spoke oh maybe 4 times before. And her co-worker and I maybe 2 times. It usually goes a little like this: "How's Shea? Any procedures coming up? How's feeding going? You doing okay, Momma?" I ALWAYS get through the conversation with no tears. I am usually doing great all things considered. I do let them in on all the medical stuff because it's the insurance...they know who we are seeing and what they are doing...haha. Plus with anything abnormal we have to let them know ahead of time, so the catheterization for example. They need to know that stuff. So today Nicole calls and starts asking the normal questions, and I start to cry! What the heck is wrong with me?! I am almost blubbering to this woman...who I don't know!! She says all the right things to me. Reminds me that I have to take care of myself, or else I am not good to anyone else. And I keep crying. I somehow tell her my mom is here helping me and she praises my mom for being supportive. Praises me for having this amazing village of people. Our army to fight for Shea. To fight for our family. And I keep crying. She gives my orders, nurses orders: tonight you take a bath, with a glass of wine and that book that makes you cry and laugh (I had shared that I was reading Glennon Melton Doyle's Carry On, Warrior.) I did giggle a little at that. Just so you know I did not take a bath, but I did go upstairs with an Angry Orchard in hand. I drank that hard cider while pumping and continued to read that book! (And yes I took a picture because I'm going to look back one day and laugh! Right?!)
Okay so none of this sounds super stressful right?! I mean Shea's appointment Thursday am went okay. They don't really know what's going on with him, but he isn't getting severely worse in terms of his heart or lungs so that's a good sign. If he gets worse obviously we will call pediatrician or go to the hospital. And the cath is already scheduled so nothing more we can do there unless an emergency arises between now and next Friday.
Well in the background of all this, we are getting new bedroom furniture. This is something I have wanted for a long time...like 4 and half years! When we moved into this house I wanted a white king sized bed...oh and all the matching pieces to go with it. And yes I have expensive tastes. We always 'earmark' our tax return for it but something more important/serious comes up. (Even this year, duh!) Well a long, long, long time ago, people used to buy bonds when babies were born. A bunch of mine have been maturing and are done this year. My parents have been keeping track of them and handing them over when it's time for me to cash them in. They were very clear that they wanted me to use this for something fun, not medical bills. This was a present that had been a long time coming. So...we are old (but still fun!) and are getting new furniture. .and I am so excited!!! But that means:
- We have to get rid of (sell) my bedroom furniture and get it out of the 2nd bedroom.
- Move Paul's furniture (stuff we have been using) into the second bedroom.
- Have master bedroom clean enough for other people to not only see it but set up our new furniture.
- Oh...and yea we need to paint...because white furniture on white walls...who does that?!
So the order we did those tasks was: #3 kinda, then #4 (this was all Paul! He had to do threeish coats, but it looks great. That room is going to be awesome when all put together!), then #3 again, then #1 (thank you to our neighborhood "village" this all happened tonight! Paul and I high fived when it was done), then #2 and then #3 again. Did you follow that? Confusing right?! Sounds exhausting right?! And lets be honest here...I did pretty much NONE of it! Have I mentioned my husband Paul? From the moment I met him, to this exact moment (11:10pm on 9/15) He is my knight in shining armor! He is by no means perfect, and we are no where near being couple of the year...but man...he is something. (And we aren't so bad together either.) Okay so Paul did basically all of this work over the past week and half, while working a full time job (a stressful one at that!) and taking care of Shea and I. Can I get a whoop whoop?? :) (yes I am bringing back the 90's!)
And why you ask did it have to be now? I mean Shea isn't doing super great, the cath is coming up and y'all know the 2nd open heart surgery is right around the corner. Well, because the furniture could come anytime now. They said 4-6 weeks. This is the end of week 3. We know we might be in the hospital, so we want the room ready to go as soon as possible. Oh, and did I forget to mention they called me WEDNESDAY!! Yea, the furniture comes tomorrow between 1-4pm. So while I am doing a happy dance inside, I am crumbling on the outside....furniture--need to sell, get out of house in 24 hours. Furniture--needs to be taken apart and moved into 2nd bedroom AND re-assembled, as soon as first furniture is gone. Baby--needs to be taken care of and is in super clingy, screaming if you dont hold me stage. AHHHHHHH! (Does the Anger Orchard in hand while pumping and crying to a stranger make more sense now?) So again I ask for a whoop whoop for Paul!! The most amazing husband I know. I mean he did all the hard laboring work and managed to deal with me and my sobbing fits. Paul, my dear husband, I love you so much. I know you work so hard for Shea and I both in the home and out. Thank you for loving us as you do.
It's not quite Friday yet, but I am just a few minutes shy of it. So before I leave you dear readers, friends (because let's be honest here, if you just read this entire thing...you are my friend now!) please know that I am going to really try to take care of myself the next few days. Recharge myself for next Friday. I may be a little distant, focusing my attention on our little family here. But know that I appreciate your prayers, thoughts, kind words, supportive-ness and your love. You have got me through so much (not being able to get pregnant, IVF two times unsuccessfully and one glorious time successful!, the heartbreaking news that our unborn child had a serious heart condition, and our course all that entails labor, delivery and since then.) I know that my village, our army for Shea, will once again save me. Love you friends.
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