Tuesday night, Paul and I spent hours and hours talking, to each other, to family members, to the dogs. (yes we went there) My night ended about 1:30 am after an hour long conversation with my brother (good thing) My brother and I haven't always seen eye to eye, and we have very different views on the world. But Tuesday night he said something to me that I have repeated numerous times this week. He said something along the lines of the following: "The world pushes you to find strength when you most need it. You will be pushed to be stronger then you think you can be." Now I have always known that my brother was smart, like genius smart. But now I can add wise to his list of qualities.
Wednesday
Wednesday afternoon and night were pretty much the same as the day. I was able to come home and cry it out for awhile. My parents flew back from their trip (good thing) and I picked them up from the airport in the evening. As I was driving to the airport and waiting for them to clear customs. I was able to talk to one of my best friends. She, like my brother, talked about strength. I do not view myself as strong, maybe determined, hard headed, and stubborn, but not someone who has strength. Yes, we dealt with devastating news that having a child of our own would take testing, medications and IVF. But that was not as rare as you might think. (remember this post? 1 in 8 women!) The news that your child has congenital heart defect is just heart breaking. (about 1 in 110 babies in just the USA) The diagnosis that we have been learning all about. Tricuspid atresia, occurs in two out of every 10,000 live births and it makes up 1 to 2 percent of all cases of congenital heart disease. (I have reread that last statistic about 6 times since typing it and thinking "What can I even say after that?")
Thursday I feel like I was in a "better" place. More sleep definitely helped! Also coming across this on facebook before rolling out of bed, was the motivation I needed! I am not sure who had shared it, or how it came to be on my newsfeed, but let's just say God knew what I needed to hear. "When you come to a sudden bump in the road, never allow your life circumstances to define you. Instead, let them refine you. Hard things are like heavenly sandpaper on your life. God uses them to shape and mold you into a work of art. When you feel the pressure of trials, remember that God won't allow them to crush you. He intends for them to make you beautiful. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NASB)" This message has been read, shared, reread and shared some more this week. The more I read it, the more I believe it, the more I rely on God, which is what I need to be doing regardless, but in times like this it's easy to forget.
I knew that I was going to have to share my news with some co-workers Thursday. I had planned on telling my grade-level on Friday, but several of them needed individual conversations first so they weren't blindsided. While it was super hard to lay my sadness on their hearts, I realized that not holding on to the 'burden' all by myself was making it easier for me to breath and process the information. I work with some amazing people who even though they, and no one knows, what to say or how to act, they said and reacted with what I needed-understanding, love, supportive-ness and honest to goodness sadness. That last one probably isn't what I mean. Here is what I mean: they were truly sad that we were facing yet another trial, another piece of journey to become parents. Now am I "happy" they were sad? NO! But knowing people DO care about you so much, that they take your news into their heart and feel it...well that makes you feel stronger and yeah I guess it does warm your heart. (good thing)
Friday was harder than Thursday. I know telling grade-level was going to be on my mind all day and heavy on my heart. We had a great day of learning in the classroom and I only got teary at lunch...we call that progress in this house! At the end of the day my sweet, amazing, supportive principal called a grade-level meeting. I was able to share my news with all the ladies I work with. I won't try to speculate as what was going through their minds. I so appreciate their kindness and concern that they did share with me. (good thing) Last night I went to a dear friend's house to share the news. I knew she would be upset, and that we both would cry...and I am pretty sure that's how I started the conversation. "I don't have good news and we both are going to cry." We were able to cry and laugh (as the puppy went crazy licking my tears) We had a great 3 and half hour long conversation about this, the future, her life, the kiddos, etc. I was glad to have been able to spend the time with her.
As I go into the weekend I am hoping for distraction, maybe a little bit of fun and of course more and more research. Thank you dear friends for the support you have us thus far. Being "brave" and "strong" are not my main goals in this new process, but I sure am trying!
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