Secret entry 5/8

I've decided to keep blogging during this process but not posting them until we are ready to share all the news. It's a good way to keep it all current, with information and the details of the journey. So if you are reading this entry....there are probably a few of these entitled "secret entry" and with the date I wrote them. And also be prepared for tissues, don't say I didn't warn you.

Yesterday I had requested, of Stephanie, to be called after 4pm, that way I would have to hold in my happiness around co-workers or control myself from sobbing all day if the news wasn't good news.

So I got the phone call on my way home, about 4:30. The words were "I wish I was calling with better news..."  I amazingly didn't cry, was able to keep it together to ask some questions like: what was my number? (4.9)  what should it have been? (Over 100) next steps? (Stop taking meds...Schedule a consultation to discuss frozen egg transfer-FET)  I tried to sound all very logical, inquisitive, okay with the news. But let's be honest, Stephanie didn't buy and either did I.

Paul and I had had plans to go to one of our fave restaurant to celebrate our 2nd year anniversary a few nights early. When I got home I shared the news with him and he was definitely in shock with the news.  And actually as I am writing this 5 hours later...I  in shock still too.

Needless to say we didn't go out for dinner, we did take out from another fave place. I had zero appetite but was thankful Paul made me eat some. I really am blessed with an amazing husband.

I have been crying on and off all night, and will get hit at the most random times. I'm rewinding the last two weeks, the last month, the past few months, trying to figure out if I did something wrong, didn't follow the medicine directions correctly, didn't rest enough, etc.  I know I'm not alone in asking and worrying about these things. Paul keeps reassuring me that we did it as we were told, we did everything we could. I have to believe him, but the doubt is real and it's painful.

Very Overdue Post

One would think that with three days of bed rest I would have found the time to blog about the transfer itself.  Well....several friends mentioned that I watch Pretty Little Liars...and I got sucked in.  I haven't finished season 4 yet, but it's safe to say that Paul and I both are addicted.  He looked up A though....I am still guessing and questioning.You probably are thinking...enough about PLL!! Lets get to the transfer. 

Paul and I were both pretty anxious Sunday morning so we got to REACH about 20 minutes early.  I had some blood work done  and then we sat in the waiting room which felt like forever.  I had to go in with a full bladder.  Now as a teacher I only know two kinds of bladder--empty or full.  They needed a semi-full bladder so they can see exactly where to place the embryos.  I dont know how to make it only semi-full, so a Gatorade and ICE water later.....I am trying to think of dry desserts! The nurse offered to let me tinkle a little, but I told her it was all or nothing, so I had to wait.....It was it's own kind of torture.

Once Dr. Katz arrived he came in to our pre-op room talked to us about our embryos. We had 11 make it to day 5, and they were implanting two.  Oh my goodness, when he showed them to us, I about cried.  Today's medication was only Valium, nothing too strong.  One of our embryos had already 'hatched' and was in the       stage.  The other embryo was in      stage.

Paul was so excited about going back into the room with us and he had to wear his own little get up.  I have pictures, but I'm only allowed to use for blackmail purposes...I am going to save them for midnight cravings! Today's medical team was much smaller, nurse (Esther), Dr. Katz and the embryologist(Jennifer).  She came in and told us basically the same thing Dr. Katz had told us. Then when I got set up on the crazy table again, she went back to my containers.  We actually watched on a TV screen as she sucked up our embryos in a catheter.....so incredibly cool.   Then she came in, handed to Dr. Katz and in he placed them.  

All three were amazed at my full bladder, and when Esther pressed down with the ultrasound, no lie I was so afraid I was going to pee!  Dr. Katz offered to drain my bladder catheter style....but that sounded painful, I told him I could hold it another 30 minutes. I scooted off the table and on to my stretcher and Esther and Dr. Katz wheeled me back to the pre-op room.  I thought the first hour plus was bad....oh the last 30 minutes was torture.  If you were one of the lucky ones to be texting me Sunday morning....I am sorry but thank you for keeping my mind off my bladder! 

We were the only ones with a procedure Sunday morning and on the floor, so once Esther said I could go pee, I ran down the hall, gown flapping open in the back!  Girl did not care....I am pretty sure I peed for a good 4 minutes.  

Instructions were pretty simple, no alcohol, caffeine or smoking.  Also no stairs for 24 hours and bed rest after that.  Paul took those literal. I barely was able to get up and pee.  It wasn't too awful and like I said...I loved me some PLL!  

So now....here comes the deep stuff.  On Friday I go in for a blood pregnancy test.  IF it comes back positive, or even negative, I will go back 2 or three more times next week to measure my levels.  If they are increasing, it confirms the positive pregnancy test!  So while this is all super exciting, it also is nerve-wrecking, because how am I going to keep this secret!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Here is the plan.....we aren't going to tell anyone anything until the end of May...yes that means you....and you, and yes you too.  The thinking behind this is 1: if we arent pregnant, we have time to grieve and decide what we want to do next. 2: if we are pregnant we get to enjoy our little secret, and by the end of May we will have had an ultrasound to hear the heartbeat(s).  

Please, if you love and care about us at all, please don't ask, try to trick us into telling, or even offering me things I am not allowed to have.  I know this is hard, especially if you have been on this journey with us for years.  But please understand that these are our wishes:)

Prayers and positive thoughts are still very welcome, and thank you so much to those who have been asking how I am feeling and doing. And the prayers!  Oh the prayers help so much more than you will ever know!

Tomorrow is the day!

Tomorrow.....we get pregnant!   Those words can't be said by many, but it's kinda nice knowing when I have to stop eating and drinking certain things!  We know that while we are transferring two embryos there is a chance they won't implant..but we aren't focusing on that.  Too many months of negative thoughts and negative pregnant tests.

I celebrated my last un-preggo day with a March of Dimes walk with my dear friend and her family. She is one of the strongest people I know, and her family is one that I can't help but treasure.   The rain and cold were not the best for walking, but the talking and company were. And honestly what more could I ask for?!  Made that 3.5 miles go by fast! I think I'm going to need to get back into that routine of walking for exercise. Who wants to walk and talk?

I decided mid morning that I needed to have wine and cheese tonight.  So off one of my bests went to a cute little place near her.  So cute!!  It had wines, craft beers, big selection of cheeses and some other yummy items. I had a blast drinking my Moscato, eating cheese and of course having an amazing convo with her.

Paul had been at a volleyball tournament all day but he was home when I got home. It was time to ice the cheek and get that progesterone  oil shot! Then a little bit of Pretty Little Liars.

Be on the look out tomorrow for a blog about the transfer and more information as we move forward in our journey. Also of everyone could say an extra prayer for us that would be great!

We Are in This Together

We Are in This Together

So did you know this week in National Infertility Awareness Week??  Yeah, I didn't either until about 20 minutes ago.  My good friend just told me.  And her hash tag is priceless.... #partoftheproblem   For anyone who has ever had issues with a pregnancy or getting pregnant, why is there the feeling of shame?  

Okay, I for sure agree with the 'painful feeling' part.  Ooooo and the 'fact or circumstance' part.  But I know for sure that Paul and I have not done anything dishonorable (alright listen...living with someone before you get married is not dishonorable, even my parents were on board so get over it!), improper or ridiculous to cause us infertility.  It's just a fact. 

We are 1 of the 8.  There I said it...we are part of the group.  Believe it or not, we now know lots of people who are in this group. But most of these people haven't shared with the world...or even their friends, some haven't even shared with their families. This makes me so sad.  We have had such amazing support from friends, family and even strangers.  Take it from this girl, when you are feeling lost, upset and depressed about this situation, support is what you need even if you don't know it!  If you feel like I am talking to you and you don't feel like you have that person to talk to, please email me.  I would love to help you through your pain, confusion, frustration, etc. 

Now let's go back to that hashtag #partoftheproblem.  We have have covered shame, but there is also this feeling of hush hush. Like its a bad thing to talk about infertility.  First of all its not bad, you can't catch it.  Now I will tell you, I am not the norm (duh!) Most people aren't as open as me.  Here are some great tips for talking about infertility. Things to say and not to say A lot of people aren't comfortable sharing their story,and I totally get it, really I do.  But so far the best tip given to me was to write it down!  So if blogging is not your thing, go buy yourself a journal and a fancy pen, and start writing...start wherever you want. You can always back track in your writing. 

Here is the bottom line of today's post, no matter how alone you feel, you aren't alone. Everyone's journey is different.  In fact, I have yet to talk to one couple who has the same issue as us. But those of us on this journey get the feelings you are having.  

A Day of Bed Rest

A Day of Bed Rest

This morning we arrived on time at 6:15 and after about 15 minutes of waiting we were able to move from the waiting room to the pre-op room. Here is a stellar picture of me  you can't see my awesome booties in this picture but just imagine them...

                                                                     

A nurse came in and went through the process with us and also had me initial some parts of a form that said we were going to freeze any left over embryos and that we want them to place a sperm in the egg itself.

Even though I wasn't allowed to drink or eat after midnight last night, I still had the nervous pees.  You know what I am talking about!  You know your bladder is empty but you have this incredibly sensation to pee. So I went and while only a trickle came out, I realized....(okay here is where we get personal,  hold on to your hats!) I am officially constipated. I know, I'm so fancy!  I'm also nervous to say anything to the nursing staff....so I tell Paul in a whisper.

                                                   

Then enters in Stephanie!! I love this lady, I so want to be her friend when this is all over!  She comes in, arms wide open and gives me such a big hug!  I needed that hug, it was like all my friends and family who couldn't be there bundled up in one simple hug. She   then asks if we have questions, and she knows me so well..specifically asks about certain side effects. Then I feel like I can speak up about the big C!  She tells me it's totally normal, the ovaries are growing and taking up all this room and then there isn't room for the other stuff. She suggest miralax. ..I tell Paul to write that down!  We also asked her about hyper stimulation, OHSS.  She looks up my estrogen levels from yesterday. They are in the upper 2,000, high by not worrisome. She says if we were at 5,000 she would call off our transfer, or if when they went in they took out over 20 eggs. So all signs are positive for not having OHSS!

Dr. Katz comes in to say good morning and answer any questions we have.  What a great guy!  This man has no idea how much we love him!  Then enters Mary Ann, the anesthesiologist.  With my breakfast of fluids in her hand. She is asking some normal questions about medicine reactions and if I'm able to climb a flight of stairs. Normal things right... I've never been put under before. So I'm a bit nervous. She did a good job inserting the needle. My veins have been a pain in the butt, but she did well and taped it into place so nothing would move of it. Then it's nervous pee time again!! 

Mary Ann and I walk to the operating room and into the sterile room, wow lots of people in there!   Not sure who all was in there besides Dr. Katz and Mary Ann but I did meet our embryologist!  She will be the one taking care of our babies until they go back in my oven. I think I love this woman too! 

The table for this procedure is different than I can even describe. I laid on my back and placed my calves in holders. So they are above my head level and spread wide open. They strapped me in...I guess no one wants to get stuck in there...LOL. (yup I just cracked myself up!)  This is not me...just a picture to show the chair

Mary Ann tells me that they are raising the table, the ceiling isn't falling down, and that she is adding the medication so that I will start to feel it in 15 seconds.  Yeah, I didn't make it that long. I woke up back in my pre-op room apparently mumbling and talking about what I remembered. I gave Paul a good laugh. I had serious cotton mouth and Paul gave me some water from a bottle we had brought in.

I was nice and cozy with a heating pad. They wanted me to start moving but I was comfy.  Not sure how long I stayed there but eventually I got to the chair and sat for awhile. Then Paul helped me get dressed and out we went. I wasn't as hungry as I thought I would be but we did stop at dunking donuts. Bagel/butter and water for this girl. It did not taste as good as I thought it would, cotton mouth had traveled to throat.

Once home, mom met us and I had a team of babysitters all day!  Momma and the baby girls took great care of me. We all thought I would sleep more than I did. We watched some movies and talked. Nothing super exciting. My most exciting things were getting up to go pee, and this time not nervous pee, it was the real deal! 

So here is what you really want to know:Updated!! They really were able to get out 14 eggs, but 12 of them were mature and made it through the night!  they got 12 eggs!! Wahoo that's a great number:)  My pain level isn't as bad as I thought it would be  especially earlier on today. Later in the afternoon and this evening I am DE having pain in the stomach, and ovaries. I am sticking with heating pad and Tylenol. So far so good.

Next steps: another day of rest, so I can be all gang busters on Thursday for my first graders:)  Tomorrow and Friday we will get phone calls to let us know how our sweet embryos are doing. Sunday is our transfer day!! Paul is really excited about this day...he will able to come back in the operating room and be present when these babies come to be in me. Just in case you can't tell, we are excited to be on this journey together.

Thank you to all of those who reached out today. It put a smile in my face every time my phone went off. We love you all! 

Roller Coaster Weekend

Roller Coaster Weekend

I had all intentions in writing a blog Friday and Saturday and today...but as you can see that did not happen...so settle in and prepare yourself for a decently long blog :)

On Friday I left school with lesson plans for Monday and Tuesday planned for a substitute.  We didn't know if Monday would be our Egg Retrieval (ER) day, but we knew it could be.  A lot of my co-workers  wished me luck.  You have no idea how much that means to me, just knowing that y'all in my corner and rooting us on just makes my heart smile.  This has been a super stressful time and the support really helps.  I want to take a moment and let all of you know....I wear my heart on my sleeve and you and I may not have spoken about this issue personally, but I am sharing our story very publicly and I assume people are reading...LOL. The whole point being, if you see me and want to talk or ask questions, don't feel creepy or awkward about it!  I enjoy sharing our story and informing people on this usually closed and private situation.

Saturday I went in for blood work and ultrasound.  The cool part about this was it was my doctor on call!  So I got to see Dr. Katz and he was very happy with my eggs.  I had a bunch of eggs measuring at 20mm....wow!  They have grown so much since Wednesday.  He said I was probably ready for ER on Monday, but he needed to see my blood work before knowing for sure.  They called me Saturday am and said that I needed to continue with medicines minus one pill.  And more blood work on Sunday. (this isn't my ultrasound, but mine was similar)

Fast forward to today!!  I went in for more blood work and an ultrasound...those eggs grew to about 29mm!  Holy moly...this drugs are really working. (this weekend I have noticed some small side effects of nausea and bloating/gas)  They really only count the large eggs.  So Dr. Katz counted about 12 large eggs.  However he did say that just because its large, that doesn't mean that the smaller eggs wont produce a good embryo.  He seemed really confident that I was ready to go for my trigger shot. 

 I waited all morning and this afternoon with no call.  However they did call when I was in the movies...I was ready with notebook in hand! One oral pill at night, two of my regular shots (one with lower dosage) and two new shots.  These new shots are to trigger the ovulation. One shot was prefilled and ready to go....soo nice.  However the second wasn't so easy.  We have several resident nurses as neighbors.  We went calling on one of our neighbors. She rocked!  Not only did she keep calm during my frantic explaining and questioning and being a tad crazy, but she also helped explain why certain things were the way they were. So thank you Mrs. Claus!!  We love you! 

Here is what all this means....Tuesday morning is ER day!!!  We need to be there at 6:15 am and my actual ER is at 7:15 am. I am very excited.  This weekend was a roller coaster because there are lots of moving parts and I am not in charge of all of them.  Apparently I am a bit of a control freak and can not handle when others don't do their jobs. (here is where you act surprised.) As of right now, we are in a great place and feeling great. Hopefully the super stressful things are in the past now. 

I would not be able to end this blog without a huge shout out to my husband, my one and only, Paul!  He has been amazing throughout this whole process.  Today he brought me to tears when talking to his brother and his sister in law.  He was telling them how amazed he was at me, going through all the shots, the testing, the side effects, etc.  I was just in awe (and a little embarrassed) that he said all that.  I never thought of his perspective on everything I was going through.  I really do have the best husband...sorry ladies :)

Moving Right Along

Moving Right Along

Today I went in to have more blood work and another ultrasound to see how I was progressing.  Man oh man the traffic was bad even at 6:30 am.  The only thing I can think of is that President Obama was in town and there were road closures.  The doctor and nurse were impressed on how my eggs had grown! When I asked kinda where we were, and if they thought another week of meds would be be right, both the doctor and nurse shook their heads. That means next week we move on to the next step!

Stephanie called me in the am to let me know what the next step was...she NEVER calls in the am...so I knew it was important!  Once I got all my kiddos working, Stephanie and I chatted.  I needed to start another shot medication, and ASAP!  So after some hurried text messages to Paul (his amazing bosses are so understanding!) he was able to go home, get the medication, bring all the supplies to school and help me administer the new shot.  

This one is a little harder because you have to mix liquid with a powder before injecting into the body. After watching the video clip, pausing as we completed each step, we finally got to the point where it was time to inject.  Not too painful, but longer than normal.  I guess this one has more medication.  In our new medicine routine we have: the new med, two other shots and two pills at night.  

Not too bad..we are getting really good at this shot shot shot thing!  Even Momma got in the action the other night.  She did a great job.  I am super thankful to have such a supportive family and friend network! 

Next step: blood work and ultrasound on Saturday.  Egg Retrieval should be sometime next week with a day of bed rest.  I am not too worried about this one...it's the following bed rest that I am more worried about.