Secret entry 5/9

I've decided to keep blogging during this process but not posting them until we are ready to share all the news. It's a good way to keep it all current, with information and the details of the journey. So if you are reading this entry....there are probably a few of these entitled "secret entry" and with the date I wrote them. And also be prepared for tissues, don't say I didn't warn you.

6:45.  My body was ready to get up at 6:45 this am. So what was I going to do  this early in the am while waiting for Paul?  Starting cleaning the "nursery" like I said I was....heck no!  I started my morning with a bundt cake (thank you teacher appreciation week) and some Pretty Little Liars. I'm a little embarrassed by my obsession with this show, but I 100% stand behind my decision to have cake for breakfast...and let's face it, you are really jealous right now.

Last night before bed, Paul and I had discussed getting away and taking girls for hike.  But Bella hasn't had a haircut in awhile and I knew the heat would wear her out fast.  So while up early I looked at a local state park, Andrew Jackson, and they have two different 1 mile loops. I figured she could do that and if not I could carry her that long.

When Paul got up we talked, he ate and then off we went. Both dogs did good. Bella found a piece of grass she just had to lay in about the last 8 minutes of our walk. I knew 1 mile was her limit with all that hair. We finished and came home. Nothing too exciting, Paul did some yard work, I cleaned some papers off the dining room table and went thru all the bags and cards from teacher appreciation week. Oh yeah and watched more pretty little liars.

Paul and I exchanged anniversary gifts, cotton is for year 2. He had a handmade cloth with our name and date on it and framed it...love it!   I got him bow ties.   That man has been talking about wanting to wear them for almost 4 years..I figured it was time he owned some!:) 

We went to one of our fave places for dinner to celebrate, 131 main. I love the food, but lately the service has been horrible. I wait 35 minutes for my appetizer...and we waited 55 minutes for our dinner. And this wasn't the first time we have had poor service:(  I think we will be doing take out only now. During the long wait for our dinner I started looking around, thinking about all the families, and I just about lost it.  I cried, but somehow found the strength to turn it around and not ruin the meal or make a huge scene. Dessert was at Dean and DeLuca!   Yummy brownies:)  so rich, but oh so good :) 

Today has been hit and miss, sometimes I'm fine, smiling and laughing at my amazing husband. The next I'm shaking and sobbing and feeling oh so lonely. I know I'm not alone, but it's so hard to even pinpoint my feelings, my emotions to myself, much less share them with anyone.

I'm now in a state of having little hope this is ever going to happen. We were so sure this would work, even the Dr's and nurses were sure....or at least that's what they let on to us. We aren't finished this journey, but we just got knocked down hard, I'm still trying to catch my breath.

Secret entry 5/8

I've decided to keep blogging during this process but not posting them until we are ready to share all the news. It's a good way to keep it all current, with information and the details of the journey. So if you are reading this entry....there are probably a few of these entitled "secret entry" and with the date I wrote them. And also be prepared for tissues, don't say I didn't warn you.

Yesterday I had requested, of Stephanie, to be called after 4pm, that way I would have to hold in my happiness around co-workers or control myself from sobbing all day if the news wasn't good news.

So I got the phone call on my way home, about 4:30. The words were "I wish I was calling with better news..."  I amazingly didn't cry, was able to keep it together to ask some questions like: what was my number? (4.9)  what should it have been? (Over 100) next steps? (Stop taking meds...Schedule a consultation to discuss frozen egg transfer-FET)  I tried to sound all very logical, inquisitive, okay with the news. But let's be honest, Stephanie didn't buy and either did I.

Paul and I had had plans to go to one of our fave restaurant to celebrate our 2nd year anniversary a few nights early. When I got home I shared the news with him and he was definitely in shock with the news.  And actually as I am writing this 5 hours later...I  in shock still too.

Needless to say we didn't go out for dinner, we did take out from another fave place. I had zero appetite but was thankful Paul made me eat some. I really am blessed with an amazing husband.

I have been crying on and off all night, and will get hit at the most random times. I'm rewinding the last two weeks, the last month, the past few months, trying to figure out if I did something wrong, didn't follow the medicine directions correctly, didn't rest enough, etc.  I know I'm not alone in asking and worrying about these things. Paul keeps reassuring me that we did it as we were told, we did everything we could. I have to believe him, but the doubt is real and it's painful.

Roller Coaster Weekend

Roller Coaster Weekend

I had all intentions in writing a blog Friday and Saturday and today...but as you can see that did not happen...so settle in and prepare yourself for a decently long blog :)

On Friday I left school with lesson plans for Monday and Tuesday planned for a substitute.  We didn't know if Monday would be our Egg Retrieval (ER) day, but we knew it could be.  A lot of my co-workers  wished me luck.  You have no idea how much that means to me, just knowing that y'all in my corner and rooting us on just makes my heart smile.  This has been a super stressful time and the support really helps.  I want to take a moment and let all of you know....I wear my heart on my sleeve and you and I may not have spoken about this issue personally, but I am sharing our story very publicly and I assume people are reading...LOL. The whole point being, if you see me and want to talk or ask questions, don't feel creepy or awkward about it!  I enjoy sharing our story and informing people on this usually closed and private situation.

Saturday I went in for blood work and ultrasound.  The cool part about this was it was my doctor on call!  So I got to see Dr. Katz and he was very happy with my eggs.  I had a bunch of eggs measuring at 20mm....wow!  They have grown so much since Wednesday.  He said I was probably ready for ER on Monday, but he needed to see my blood work before knowing for sure.  They called me Saturday am and said that I needed to continue with medicines minus one pill.  And more blood work on Sunday. (this isn't my ultrasound, but mine was similar)

Fast forward to today!!  I went in for more blood work and an ultrasound...those eggs grew to about 29mm!  Holy moly...this drugs are really working. (this weekend I have noticed some small side effects of nausea and bloating/gas)  They really only count the large eggs.  So Dr. Katz counted about 12 large eggs.  However he did say that just because its large, that doesn't mean that the smaller eggs wont produce a good embryo.  He seemed really confident that I was ready to go for my trigger shot. 

 I waited all morning and this afternoon with no call.  However they did call when I was in the movies...I was ready with notebook in hand! One oral pill at night, two of my regular shots (one with lower dosage) and two new shots.  These new shots are to trigger the ovulation. One shot was prefilled and ready to go....soo nice.  However the second wasn't so easy.  We have several resident nurses as neighbors.  We went calling on one of our neighbors. She rocked!  Not only did she keep calm during my frantic explaining and questioning and being a tad crazy, but she also helped explain why certain things were the way they were. So thank you Mrs. Claus!!  We love you! 

Here is what all this means....Tuesday morning is ER day!!!  We need to be there at 6:15 am and my actual ER is at 7:15 am. I am very excited.  This weekend was a roller coaster because there are lots of moving parts and I am not in charge of all of them.  Apparently I am a bit of a control freak and can not handle when others don't do their jobs. (here is where you act surprised.) As of right now, we are in a great place and feeling great. Hopefully the super stressful things are in the past now. 

I would not be able to end this blog without a huge shout out to my husband, my one and only, Paul!  He has been amazing throughout this whole process.  Today he brought me to tears when talking to his brother and his sister in law.  He was telling them how amazed he was at me, going through all the shots, the testing, the side effects, etc.  I was just in awe (and a little embarrassed) that he said all that.  I never thought of his perspective on everything I was going through.  I really do have the best husband...sorry ladies :)