Round 2: FET

On Tuesday we had our consultation about Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET)  First of all I have to say I super proud of myself, I didn't cry once!!  This month has not been mine finest, but I'm healing and on the upswing!

We met with Dr. Katz and there are no answers or reasons why round 1 didn't work. He did tell us that because of our day 5 transfer, and my estrogen levels, that could be the reason. Embryos that make it to day 6 are much stronger than the ones on day 5. Who knew 24 hours made that big of a difference. The estrogen levels during first round 1 weren't super high in where they were concerned about my health, but high for someone who gets pregnant normally.

He is very confident about round 2. The birth control and Lupron are going to make my system, and levels in a more normal state. We had lots of discussion about how many to transfer 1 or 2. The stats actually played a big part. Our concerns were based on the end results, 1-being pregnant! 2-mutliples (and how many?) So we are going to be transferring 2 embryos. It does increase our chances of twins to a 35% chance. But the likely hood of quadruplets is not even a full 1%... however the Dr has seen it happen before. We all laughed knowing that we have already surprised Dr Katz a few times, so it's possible we will surprise him again!

Round 2 meds are much easier. I have spent over 3 weeks on birth control, last pill is tonight!   On Tuesday I started Lupron (shot) which does two things, stops me from ovulating and increases the uterus lining. This shot is so tiny I'm letting anyone give me the shot...just kidding!  But I am open to people helping this time. We made a neighbor/friend watch us this week, and our trusty Mrs. Claus came to my rescue as Paul was unable to come home from work last night. 

We are in this waiting game of when my cycle will start, then I got in for ultrasound and blood work. Mid June we will start the progesterone oil shot again....ug, my poor butt!  I will also start some antibiotics and other meds (all pills) to prepare for the transfer. At some point I will go in for them to check the thickness of the lining to make sure I am on track.

Transfer is scheduled for June 23rd followed by a shot that day and then bed rest.  We will have season 5 and the new season of PLL to watch.  Paul and I have started Scandal, we most likely will be done before bed rest gets here...so what else do we need to watch?!

The Night Before

The Night Before

To say we are anxious, is definitely down-playing our feelings. There are so many moving parts in this journey, and a bunch that are behind the scene.  It's all coming together but in true Cogan/Lyons fashion....at the last possible minute! We are lucky to have great family, friends and Facebook connections!  Oh Facebook, even Paul is starting to love you.  

We are also excited about what this all means.  The eggs come out....they get made into sweet little embryos and then back in me for them to become babies!! I am not sure who is going to be more excited about the positive pregnancy news...Paul or me....or our parents!  

We also are very aware that this may not take the first time.  We know many people have had to do this several times, but as one of my best friend's said (right before her wedding) "I'm not focusing on it not working out my way.  But I will at least think about it for a few minutes."  LOL....we were in a huge rainstorm and had to plan for rain plans.  It all worked out though she had her outdoor ceremony!  But I digress...

The plan is to transfer them back in on Sunday and some more bed rest. This time the bed rest is more serious, no stairs for 24-48 hours. Paul and my mom are already coming with a schedule for taking care of me:)  I have such a blessed life! Even through the struggles I can see and feel this. 

I'm supposed to get good rest tonight, but that's not going to happen, so if you wanna chat I will probably be up:) 

Checking in

I know it's been awhile since I posted, but there really wasn't much to say. This month has been sad, stressful and lonely.  There are tons of people out there loving us and praying for us but unless you have gone through a loss like this, it's hard to hear.  I still love you all and beg you to please love us and keep praying for us! 

It's also been awhile since I have attended church. I was just so sad and I just couldn't face people.  Weekends were my time for grieving and then Monday am pulling it together for work.  But I went back this weekend and was so glad!  I thoroughly love my church and my pastor but this series is such a hard one to get through: The book of Romans.  I was in need of God's word and Romans apparently!  My worship guide was filled with notes. "God is interceding for us."  "Every tear and heartache has a redemptive purpose."  "Our suffering can inspire healing in others."  

I loved all those quotes from the sermon, but that last one...whew! It really hit home.  I have written before that many of you have reached out and shared your personal stories.  Some of you have thanked me for sharing our story.  Suffering is not something I like to do, but I do love helping others.  So if I can help others then...I guess I shall suffer.  But I am not going to lie...I am looking forward to some good news!  

The Next Phase

So what nobody tells you, or that I even realized until this week was that each "cycle" of ivf  is really two months long. So my cycle started Monday, surprised, but now thinking the process will go faster since we don't have to grow and harvest eggs and then let the embryos grow.

But no... we still have almost two months (month and half) to go. We won't have our consultation till May 26th, which seems soooooooo far away I can't stand it. But after some emails and conversation with Stephanie, I at least have a jist of what's going to happen. On day 3 (Wednesday) things looked good so I started birth control again.  On the 26th I will start Lupron which will increase the thickness of my uterus lining. (How excited are you that you just read that!)  

In early June my period will start and I call to  say

I start  the progesterone oil mid June....oh joy...I love when things get shot into my butt.  We have learned lots of tricks: ice the butt, heat the oil, massage after injecting the oil.  But I am NOT looking forward to these shots again.  Anyone have any more tips?  The last one I had gave me such a welt I couldn't sit in a hard chair for days.  

June 23rd will be our frozen embryo transplant (FET) They are still saying only 24 hours of bed rest and then 48 hours of light activity, but after our first cycle and it not working I doubt that I will be moving much, if at all, the whole week.  Looks like Scandal and Revenge are next on my binge watching list (recommendations from Stephanie)  We will have our first pregnancy test on July 3rd.

My biggest concern with this is that we are going out of town for a whole week and will be with family and dear friends. So if it's good news I will have to lie to them all week and have to get another pregnancy test on Monday (somewhere up there)  If it's bad news I will have to pull myself up by the britches and put on a happy face for a week. The timing just kind of stinks. I'm not good at lying. And apparently I also suck at putting on a happy face. So to my family and friends I will see that week, can we kinda just forget I was having any test?? Can we pretend that if I'm in a bad mood it's from pms?  And if I am happy it's because I am really excited to see you after a long time?!

I just want to say thank you to all the messages and texts this week.  I also want to really thank those who have seen me all week and not said a thing.  You have no idea how much this meant to me, I know it was really hard, and maybe even painful, to not hug me, say something to me, etc.  But I can say I made it through 5 whole days of school and didn't cry once at school!  I had a few moments when I was close, and thanks to my teammates for brushing them off!  I am hoping that I can do some more dealing this weekend and be able to talk about it next week, but I have to be honest, today was really hard and without the chaos that I call my classroom (love them!) I probably wouldn't have made it through the day.  Love you all, and really love the support you have shown us.

Back to square 10

So tomorrow we start round 2 of this crazy journey and we are back to square 10. Not square 1, because that was way back, in the fall when we were just starting tests trying to figure out the issue. And I'm pretty sure my ob/gyn was just trying to appease me.

On Friday when we got the news, I was told to call on day 1...10-12 days away. Yet Monday am, when I'm just trying not to sob, my period starts...really?! So I made the call and emailed Stephanie to let her know. We are back to square 10: monitoring with blood work and ultrasound. If all goes well, I will start back on birth control.

Because round 2 is frozen embryo transfer (FET) the medications and process is a bit different. We haven't had our consultation yet, but I'm thinking less medications because we already have 3 frozen embryos ready to go.

Thank you all so much for keeping your physical distance.  I have officially made it two whole days of no crying at school. I so appreciate the texts and messages and the understanding. They may not technically call this loss a miscarriage, but those little embryos will always be missed and loved.

Mother's day

Today was so much harder than yesterday. Partly because I thought I could join the mothers club this year. And partly because everyone was posting about their moms (including me) and their children. The good news is that I made it through dinner with my parents with no tears!   You have no idea how proud of myself I am.  

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.-Amy Young.

I have a new request for everyone as I enter the real world tomorrow, please do not ask me how I am doing, or really even mention anything to me. I can't take hugs, words or pitiful looks yet. A dear friend saw me in Target and I lost it. And tomorrow I need to be able to focus on school, kiddos and not lose it. Once I lose it, I can't get control again.  Feel free to comment, email, send a note, text but just no verbal or physical support.  Thank you for understanding, supporting, and praying for us. 

Secret entry 5/9

I've decided to keep blogging during this process but not posting them until we are ready to share all the news. It's a good way to keep it all current, with information and the details of the journey. So if you are reading this entry....there are probably a few of these entitled "secret entry" and with the date I wrote them. And also be prepared for tissues, don't say I didn't warn you.

6:45.  My body was ready to get up at 6:45 this am. So what was I going to do  this early in the am while waiting for Paul?  Starting cleaning the "nursery" like I said I was....heck no!  I started my morning with a bundt cake (thank you teacher appreciation week) and some Pretty Little Liars. I'm a little embarrassed by my obsession with this show, but I 100% stand behind my decision to have cake for breakfast...and let's face it, you are really jealous right now.

Last night before bed, Paul and I had discussed getting away and taking girls for hike.  But Bella hasn't had a haircut in awhile and I knew the heat would wear her out fast.  So while up early I looked at a local state park, Andrew Jackson, and they have two different 1 mile loops. I figured she could do that and if not I could carry her that long.

When Paul got up we talked, he ate and then off we went. Both dogs did good. Bella found a piece of grass she just had to lay in about the last 8 minutes of our walk. I knew 1 mile was her limit with all that hair. We finished and came home. Nothing too exciting, Paul did some yard work, I cleaned some papers off the dining room table and went thru all the bags and cards from teacher appreciation week. Oh yeah and watched more pretty little liars.

Paul and I exchanged anniversary gifts, cotton is for year 2. He had a handmade cloth with our name and date on it and framed it...love it!   I got him bow ties.   That man has been talking about wanting to wear them for almost 4 years..I figured it was time he owned some!:) 

We went to one of our fave places for dinner to celebrate, 131 main. I love the food, but lately the service has been horrible. I wait 35 minutes for my appetizer...and we waited 55 minutes for our dinner. And this wasn't the first time we have had poor service:(  I think we will be doing take out only now. During the long wait for our dinner I started looking around, thinking about all the families, and I just about lost it.  I cried, but somehow found the strength to turn it around and not ruin the meal or make a huge scene. Dessert was at Dean and DeLuca!   Yummy brownies:)  so rich, but oh so good :) 

Today has been hit and miss, sometimes I'm fine, smiling and laughing at my amazing husband. The next I'm shaking and sobbing and feeling oh so lonely. I know I'm not alone, but it's so hard to even pinpoint my feelings, my emotions to myself, much less share them with anyone.

I'm now in a state of having little hope this is ever going to happen. We were so sure this would work, even the Dr's and nurses were sure....or at least that's what they let on to us. We aren't finished this journey, but we just got knocked down hard, I'm still trying to catch my breath.

Secret entry 5/8

I've decided to keep blogging during this process but not posting them until we are ready to share all the news. It's a good way to keep it all current, with information and the details of the journey. So if you are reading this entry....there are probably a few of these entitled "secret entry" and with the date I wrote them. And also be prepared for tissues, don't say I didn't warn you.

Yesterday I had requested, of Stephanie, to be called after 4pm, that way I would have to hold in my happiness around co-workers or control myself from sobbing all day if the news wasn't good news.

So I got the phone call on my way home, about 4:30. The words were "I wish I was calling with better news..."  I amazingly didn't cry, was able to keep it together to ask some questions like: what was my number? (4.9)  what should it have been? (Over 100) next steps? (Stop taking meds...Schedule a consultation to discuss frozen egg transfer-FET)  I tried to sound all very logical, inquisitive, okay with the news. But let's be honest, Stephanie didn't buy and either did I.

Paul and I had had plans to go to one of our fave restaurant to celebrate our 2nd year anniversary a few nights early. When I got home I shared the news with him and he was definitely in shock with the news.  And actually as I am writing this 5 hours later...I  in shock still too.

Needless to say we didn't go out for dinner, we did take out from another fave place. I had zero appetite but was thankful Paul made me eat some. I really am blessed with an amazing husband.

I have been crying on and off all night, and will get hit at the most random times. I'm rewinding the last two weeks, the last month, the past few months, trying to figure out if I did something wrong, didn't follow the medicine directions correctly, didn't rest enough, etc.  I know I'm not alone in asking and worrying about these things. Paul keeps reassuring me that we did it as we were told, we did everything we could. I have to believe him, but the doubt is real and it's painful.

Very Overdue Post

One would think that with three days of bed rest I would have found the time to blog about the transfer itself.  Well....several friends mentioned that I watch Pretty Little Liars...and I got sucked in.  I haven't finished season 4 yet, but it's safe to say that Paul and I both are addicted.  He looked up A though....I am still guessing and questioning.You probably are thinking...enough about PLL!! Lets get to the transfer. 

Paul and I were both pretty anxious Sunday morning so we got to REACH about 20 minutes early.  I had some blood work done  and then we sat in the waiting room which felt like forever.  I had to go in with a full bladder.  Now as a teacher I only know two kinds of bladder--empty or full.  They needed a semi-full bladder so they can see exactly where to place the embryos.  I dont know how to make it only semi-full, so a Gatorade and ICE water later.....I am trying to think of dry desserts! The nurse offered to let me tinkle a little, but I told her it was all or nothing, so I had to wait.....It was it's own kind of torture.

Once Dr. Katz arrived he came in to our pre-op room talked to us about our embryos. We had 11 make it to day 5, and they were implanting two.  Oh my goodness, when he showed them to us, I about cried.  Today's medication was only Valium, nothing too strong.  One of our embryos had already 'hatched' and was in the       stage.  The other embryo was in      stage.

Paul was so excited about going back into the room with us and he had to wear his own little get up.  I have pictures, but I'm only allowed to use for blackmail purposes...I am going to save them for midnight cravings! Today's medical team was much smaller, nurse (Esther), Dr. Katz and the embryologist(Jennifer).  She came in and told us basically the same thing Dr. Katz had told us. Then when I got set up on the crazy table again, she went back to my containers.  We actually watched on a TV screen as she sucked up our embryos in a catheter.....so incredibly cool.   Then she came in, handed to Dr. Katz and in he placed them.  

All three were amazed at my full bladder, and when Esther pressed down with the ultrasound, no lie I was so afraid I was going to pee!  Dr. Katz offered to drain my bladder catheter style....but that sounded painful, I told him I could hold it another 30 minutes. I scooted off the table and on to my stretcher and Esther and Dr. Katz wheeled me back to the pre-op room.  I thought the first hour plus was bad....oh the last 30 minutes was torture.  If you were one of the lucky ones to be texting me Sunday morning....I am sorry but thank you for keeping my mind off my bladder! 

We were the only ones with a procedure Sunday morning and on the floor, so once Esther said I could go pee, I ran down the hall, gown flapping open in the back!  Girl did not care....I am pretty sure I peed for a good 4 minutes.  

Instructions were pretty simple, no alcohol, caffeine or smoking.  Also no stairs for 24 hours and bed rest after that.  Paul took those literal. I barely was able to get up and pee.  It wasn't too awful and like I said...I loved me some PLL!  

So now....here comes the deep stuff.  On Friday I go in for a blood pregnancy test.  IF it comes back positive, or even negative, I will go back 2 or three more times next week to measure my levels.  If they are increasing, it confirms the positive pregnancy test!  So while this is all super exciting, it also is nerve-wrecking, because how am I going to keep this secret!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Here is the plan.....we aren't going to tell anyone anything until the end of May...yes that means you....and you, and yes you too.  The thinking behind this is 1: if we arent pregnant, we have time to grieve and decide what we want to do next. 2: if we are pregnant we get to enjoy our little secret, and by the end of May we will have had an ultrasound to hear the heartbeat(s).  

Please, if you love and care about us at all, please don't ask, try to trick us into telling, or even offering me things I am not allowed to have.  I know this is hard, especially if you have been on this journey with us for years.  But please understand that these are our wishes:)

Prayers and positive thoughts are still very welcome, and thank you so much to those who have been asking how I am feeling and doing. And the prayers!  Oh the prayers help so much more than you will ever know!