Oh the plans!

This cycle has its own plethora of plans!

Plan A would have been that my period started yesterday and go in for ultrasound and blood work today.

Plan B was that my period didn't start and I still go in for bloodwork and ultrasound and start patches later.

Plan C is my period starts while I'm at the jamberry conference in Dallas Texas, find a fertility clinic to have bloodwork and ultrasound there then start patches

Plan D will be that my period never decide to come and we will have to skip this time around.

So we ended the day with a combination of plan B and plan E (which was not mentioned...lol)  So I did go in for bloodwork and ultrasound. The doctor said that my lining looked good and Stephanie called this afternoon to say my numbers were good!  So even with no period, my hormones levels and uterus lining were good to go!:)  Estrogen patches and another pill were added to the mix. I will go back in for blood work and ultrasound to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing.

The only difference in this visit that I noticed was that this time around there were no cysts. I've had them before and they weren't "issues" but now with none....maybe this is our best chance!

I think I have also decided to not post my blogs for awhile...torture right?!  Hear me out though:  if everything continues as it should transfer will be August 11th, and pregnancy test will be August 21st.  Then we are supposed to wait another few weeks for the ultrasound. So we are looking at over a month of me not posting. But I'm going to be totally honest, August is a super crazy time of year being a teacher! Week of the 17th: getting room ready. Week of 24th: beginning of school. All the other weeks of September: trying to keep my sanity and teach these babies how to be first graders. If the news is good I will want to share to the ultrasound to be sure it really took and the baby is growing. If the news is not good, I can stay busy with my kiddos, and not worry about posting the sad news. And either way once I do post again you will be really excited!...right??  Hehe

Just so you know I am contemplating adding a school section and possible a jamberry section to this blog. So I would still be blogging, but about different things. Thoughts?  Suggestions? 

We love you all and know that you are right there with us, hoping and praying that THIS embryo is the one we have been waiting for all along! 

Babies, Babies Everywhere!

When you are living this crazy journey of infertility you feel like all around you are pregnant women and babies! It can be infuriating, frustrating, make you weepy, and every once in awhile it makes you happy!  Every kiddo Paul and I see under the age of 5 is so cute, adorable and when appropriate we want to hold and play with them!  

Last weekend we were able to visit our friends in Delaware with their 24 hour old newborn!  I'm not going to lie, it was tough to make the decision to go see them.  Not because we don't love them or didn't want to support them, but oh...to have a sweet baby, and us not even pregnant!  But it was the right decision and we both really enjoyed going!  Paul did wonderful and so did the baby....everyone survived :)  

This time around, I feel God working on me, where as last time....well let's just say I wasn't hopeful or rooting for us. This past week I took the kiddos I nanny to swim practice.  While there I usually read a book, make phone calls, work on my tan, etc.  There is a woman giving swim lessons to younger kiddos and thats fun to watch!  So there was a sweet family of mom, 3/4 year old girl getting swim lesson, and a toddler who with his baby brother sat with mom at the table next to me.  We had talked a bit, about silly things and oh that baby...I just wanted to pinch his chubby cheeks!  When the swim lesson was over, the toddler was having a tough time leaving, not sure what it was about.  I never want to seem intrusive so I usually stay out of the toddler tantrums unless I personally know the kiddo and family.  But holding a baby, swim bag, huge police car and trying to get a screaming toddler off the cement, the mom just seemed in need of help!  So I just casually turned around and asked the simple question "Can I help you?"  I could feel the mom's tension just roll off.  She said "Yes can you just hold him for a minute?" This woman trusted me with her baby....just handed him over to me.   Oh it was wonderful!  Love sweet baby cuddles.  Maybe it was the fact that it was her 3rd kiddo, or that she needed the help super bad, or maybe the Lord just said "She can be trusted."  Whatever it was, I knew God had my back!

Then last night we were at Paul's coworkers wedding...you guessed it..another baby was there!  Here is the difference, while i wanted to hold the baby, Paul is dying to hold him!  At one point Paul told his co-worker "I am going to steal your baby if that's okay?"  It really wasn't a questions, but he waited for an answer.  Paul did wonderful with him.  It made my heart so incredibly happy to see him holding, playing and being silly with that little one.   I was able to hold and play with him too...no worries I got my baby cuddles in!

I am becoming more immune to the pregnancies around me.  It's been hard, but I think I can handle the announcements and photos much better now than 6 months and a year ago.  Now for those babies...how can I fault them?  They are so precious.  Just don't be surprised if I ask to hold, borrow or love on your baby!  

Strength in numbers

Our fertility center offers a support group once a month. I'm going to be honest when we first started going to our center, I thought "hey we know the problem and have fixed the issue, I don't need a support group"  well several months later, 2 rounds with no implantation,  I found myself craving this support group!  In fact I was really upset that I could only find two support groups in Charlotte, and only meeting once a month each.

And yet tonight I wanted to not go.  I was being cowardly. I was nervous about the other people, I was nervous about sharing my story (crazy right?) And I was really nervous I was going to cry the entire time and look like that girl!

Well I cried on my way there, and I did cry in therapy. But unexpectedly I laughed too!  I met some great people there, we are all in different places in this journey and were able to support each other or give advice. One thing we talked about was what to say to people who are asking "When you going to get pregnant?"  This is hard, because some of us are more blunt than others and some people just can't take a hint.

We used to tell people "we are working on it." But people didn't stop asking. That's one of the many blessings about this blog..people don't ask anymore. But not everyone is going to start a blog and be as open as we are. So another idea was to share your story with one or a few people and have then tell everyone else. For those of us working in a place where everyone asks this really works. But even talking to family is hard. We are blessed to have a supportive family and we do have family "reps" who spread the word to other family members.

All in all, I'm really glad I went to group and hope that I am able to connect with these women. They are helping me already and I hope that I can help them!

Round 3....here we go...again!

I honestly thought the months of February 2014-November 2014 were the hardest months.  We had no positive pregnancy tests, no answers from doctors and lots of frustrations.  But now as we start round 3 I am telling you these are the hardest months!!  These months we don't pee on sticks, so no need to buy them and have hope!  We know why we couldn't get pregnant, but we are so confused why these last 2 rounds of IVF haven't worked.  It's heartbreaking, frustrating and very very irritating! 

Thank you for all your sweet messages last week.  They meant a ton, they really did! 

This round is going to be a quick one. When I started my cycle on Tuesday and finally talked to Stephanie, our nurse, I explained that I thought we were going to have to skip a month.  Had we stayed on target and done the same as round 2, I would be missing my required workdays or the first week of school....NOT OKAY! Not only I am a bit of a work-oholic, but it's just not good work ethics, fair to the kiddos and the stress....it's big time!

That was our original idea...just skip this next month. But Stephanie had some other ideas: skipping birth control and Lupron (which meant flying from Delaware back to Charlotte last Thursday night) or the plan we are going with...known as Round 3!

Round 3 began last Wednesday.  I was on day 2 of cycle and we started the birth control.  I will continue on the pill until the 20th.  (It was going to be 21st, but this year is going to JAM CON! on Thursday and we aren't taking any chances) We will be seeing Dr. Katz on the 20th to talk about this round, and I hope, what he thinks happened last time.  On the 22nd I will be going in for ultrasound and bloodwork.  And then hopefully starting the estrogen patches up again.  (So basically we are shortening birth control and skipping Lupron)  My next transfer will be August 11th and I am praying this embryo is the one we have been waiting on. Third time is a charm right?  We know that God has a plan, but its super hard waiting on Him to reveal it to us.

A wonderful friend of Paul's (and mine) sent us a message that just....was...amazing.  With his permission I am sharing these words, not only so we remember them, but to help others out there. 

"Just want the both of you to know that you're in my prayers, and I mean that literally, not just saying it. I hope that you both keep your heads up and know that the Lord works in mysterious ways (i know you already know that). God will never give you more than you can handle, and he puts his heaviest loads upon the shoulders of his strongest disciples. I love you both, and know that I am here for you no matter what, no matter when." 

I had forgot in my sorrow that He won't give me more than I can handle.  I AM strong enough to handle the sadness and the ups and downs.  Thank you dear friends for hanging in there with us, loving us through it all. We are blessed by your support!

Tough week

I would be in the wrong if I didn't recognize that while our journey has definitely had its sad moments, we have others in our life struggling with much bigger heartbreaks! 

Paul's neighbor from Delaware suddenly died earlier this week. We were both in shock by this news. John had been there when we met and started our relationship 6 years ago. he provided lots of entertainment and laughs throughout the years.

Then my co-worker's 19 year old daughter was killed in a car accident. I have been hearing stories about Emily on and off for the past 8 years and this summer I finally met her and even spent some time with her. She was an amazing, beautiful person inside and out!  She loved working with children and was a great person to talk too. I know she will forever be missed by all who met her. If you feel i clined to help to this sweet family here is the link: https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/z5f9/the-emily-parker-memorial-fund?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_feed&utm_campaign=php_donate-receipt_top-fraggles&og_action=hug&fb_ref=feed-fraggles&t=3

Our prayers for both families are more than daily, we can not imagine how the parents feel but know that God is wrapping them in His arms and loving them through this awful times.

We do have a new plan in place for ourselves and will be sharing that in our next blog post. Thank you for continuing to follow us in this journey.

Heartbroken

I will try to keep this post short...the news we received on Friday was not what we wanted. It was the same news we have been receiving since February 2014. That's 18 months of sadness. For anyone who has gone thru the hoping and praying and wishing of wanting a positive pregnancy test and then receiving the opposite news you know the feeling is just heartbreaking.

So we have one more frozen embryo. My cycle started today, then the same medicine protocol as last time. Depending on the timing though we may need to skip this month altogether.

By our calculations the next transfer would be during my required workdays. I know I could use sick time, but that week and the following (first week of school) would be the two worst weeks to miss time. So we will just see what happens I guess.

Till next time dear readers...

Sleepless night

I know there is nothing I can do, but I'm so anxious about our first blood test tomorrow. I'm either pregnant right now, or I am not, I get that. Tomorrow is just a blood test to see where our numbers are. This time around I'm way more nervous.

I think for me it's because if we aren't pregnant I will have a harder time grieving. We are leaving town for 10 days!  I will be with my my inlaws, brother in law, sister in law and niece and nephew the whole time. It's not that I don't want to see them (Love you all!)  It's just that the last time I had a few days to grieve with Paul and then had a constant 24 kiddos pulling me all directions at school. So this time around, I will need to pull it together faster. I'm hoping that my niece and nephew will keep me occupied. Who am I kidding they are 5 and half...I will be super busy!!  :)

So as we enter the next few hours please continue to pray for us. Pray for good news, pray for support, pray for comfort and grace. Pray for it all!!

Tomorrow we will have the blood test at 7 am and find out the results hopefully before noon. We will be telling immediate family at that point, because let's be honest, I'm not going to be able to hide the news all week. If our numbers are in a certain range, I will have another blood test Monday. At this point we are hoping the numbers are doubling. And then another one on Wednesday. Again looking for increasing, doubling numbers. At that point, if everything looks good we will schedule an ultrasound for the end of July. Then my dear friends you will know. So just assume no news is good news:)  unless I am secret posting like last time...but you just won't know until you know ;)
Love you and I thank you so much for all your support during this crazy time of our lives...now I have to find the tissues because these drugs make me cry at everything!