Gender Reveal Time!!

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!!   So excited about our gender reveal party!!  I wish I had taken pictures prior to people arriving.  We have no pictures of the set-up.  But trust me it was cute!!  Our neighbor (and new friend!) helped me make bow and mustache pins.  When I was over at her house she offered us her decorations from her reveal party.  It was a perfect fit for what we had been planning! 

We had tons of food: pigs in a blanket( cooked by my dad!), meatballs(made by a friend), cookies in the shape of bows and mustaches (made by my momma), amazing cake (made by Publix), spinach and artichoke dip, corn dip (made by a friend), crack dip (made by a friend), veggie tray, and crackers and cheese.  Beverages consisted of pink punch, blue punch, beer, wine and water.

As people entered they picked a mustache or bow pin, tallied their vote, and guessed Baby SH's day of arrival.  I encouraged people to start eating...food was hot!  Paul helped get people in the door and started handing out drinks.  There was lots of mingling going on.  Panthers game was on...and let me tell you, I had no issues with the game on!  We ended up winning again, love our Panthers! !  

I had a little old wives tales trivia quiz for people to complete if they wanted. A bunch of people took part. My only rule was no use of technology :)  Believe it or not our close friend's 6th grade son won!! He got 9 out of 10 right. He was so excited for his prize of chocolate bars. 

We tried to wait until half time to cut the cake, but we went ahead and cut before the end of the 2nd quarter. 

I think I know based on the icing color I see on the knife!!!

We are completely in shock!  Laughing, excited but so not what we thought!!

We are in complete shock, awe and keep saying "it's a boy?!"  We both were sure baby SH was a girl....but oh no...boy it is!  We are looking forward to meeting our Shea Robert in April. :)  Thank you to all that were there to celebrate and those who wished us well from afar :)

Ultrasound for Fun

At 17 weeks, most dr's offices wont tell you the gender of the baby....but I really just couldn't wait any longer!!  Plus our gender reveal party was supposed to be happening on 11/22 and we needed to know!

We had be given several recommendations, all to 3D Dreams in Fort Mill, SC.  Even though we weren't going to be finding out the gender till Sunday with our guests, we were still really excited to see Baby SH!!  We had about a 30 minute session.  Our nurse was just wonderful!  She made it such a pleasurable experience, I asked about a frequent flier discount! We left with many photos in hand, an envelope for the bakery with the gender and another envelope with come more gender pictures and a video of about 15 minutes!  I wouldn't hesitate for a minute to have that experience again, or to recommend it to someone!  Totally worth the money :)  

Now we are just waiting until Sunday to find out our gender reveal party!! 

Week 12-15 update

Wondering where I have been?!  Well...the picture says it all!

The b girls and my husband have been taking really good care of me. I have to say the cheeze-its are new to my diet, typically it's goldfish in bed!  So let me get you all caught up with what's been going on since my last blog.

Week 12: The first time I actually threw up from the nausea.  Both times were right after 

being in the car, so I was worried that I had acquired car sickness. But I seemed to move past that quickly.

Week 13:  We had our first ultrasound in the regular Dr office. We were both looking forward to it!  However, Baby SH then decided I need to focus more on her/him. So instead of being excited all day, I was sick. Like really sick. 10 minutes before the kiddos walked into my classroom, I puked over 10 times. I really should have gone home and rested, but the teacher can't be sick!  So I somehow pushed through the rest of the day. Luckily I have amazeball kiddos and they knew I needed extra support.

Paul met me at the Dr's office for our ultrasound.  While waiting in the little exam room, I had to run to the bathroom twice. I know I wasn't the first person to get sick at the ob office, but still super embarrassing. After coming out the second time I asked for a cup of water. I knew I was going to have to give blood and nothing had stayed in my body all day:(  The sweet lab tech brought me water and laid down the chair/table so I could rest some.

The actual ultrasound went fine. Baby SH is measuring at 6 cm and heart rate is 157...he/she is so big!! Seeing this little one grow every few weeks is just crazy!  He/she is taking up so much room and yet I know will be taking up so much more!

Week 14: I ate a cheeseburger!  Lol I know that may not seem big, but I think it was the first meat I had in a month. I was so scared it would make me sick I didn't tell anyone till the next day.  I made it through the whole week with no sickness either!  No actual sickness,  but the nausea comes and goes.

I also decided to get on the scale.  Mostly because I was curious. I haven't been on the scale since maybe February. With all the meds, depression, and eating in the past 8 months I knew it was not a pretty number. Well in past 8 months (though I'm sure it's closer to the past 14 weeks) I've lost 20 lbs. Between not eating and Baby SH sucking up from my fat cells, I'm not going to lie I was pretty excited. But then also really worried. I don't want to put the baby at risk. I'm going to try to eat more and better.

Week 15: As I begin this week of pregnancy I can say I have eaten two ribs! And am really trying to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. Or course I'm snacking too. I'm learning the difference between the nausea  (I'm going to be sick ) and the nausea  (I'm need to eat)  My saving grace has been these individually wrapped snacks from Graze. It's this company that ships me 8 healthy snacks every two weeks. They are great to throw in lunchbox or purse!  And they are really yummy too! But I am down another 6 lbs.  I'm not worried yet....plenty of fat cells still remaining!

Time to Make it Public

So if you have been following the blog and been missing them....you are in luck!  I just posted all the secret ones that I have been writing but not posting!! I did pretty good in keeping the secret in but I will be honest there were times when  I definitely made a comment, or almost slipped!!  

 Now we got to the fun part!  I was able to tell my closest friends (who will be baby SH's aunties) that they were going to be Aunts!  I loved their texts and phone calls:)  Just thinking back to them I am getting happy tears!

I also am very one lucky lady to have two friends who are ahead of me by a monthish.  I was so excited to tell them both!!! And they both were so excited!  I think they both were worried about me.  Although I slipped up a million times around them both.  

Because my school family is such a big part of my life and my cheering section, I felt like I needed to tell them in a special way.  I however could not afford to tell all the 100 plus people in a cool way, but for those I lied to, I made this cute little sign and stuck it in bundtini's from Nothing Bundt Cakes. (if you aren't local, look this place up!  There may be one close to you!!)  The responses were wonderful!!!  The first person I got to tell, just started bawling and thanking God...and I have to tell you, my day started with tears...tears of joy and gratefulness that God has placed such amazing people in my life.

I am so glad I took this picture of our baby girls telling the world the news!  Bella is cracking me up with her head cocked.  She has been very attentive and even smelling the belly. Brayleigh on the other hand...well her body language says it all!  She is going to have a really hard time not being the baby.  

So world....Here is our baby!  This was taken on 9/28.  We wont have another ultrasound taken until 10/22.  We can't wait to see the growth thats been going on! 

As for those other pictures of me at 9 weeks, 10 weeks and 11 weeks....well I have been super sick.  No puking, thank goodness!  But the nausea has been so intense that the couch and bed have been laid in more than anything else getting done.  Oh and teaching too! Those 8-9 hours really take it out of a girl.  So maybe next week you will get some updates in that area.  

I will say we went to our OB practice and saw a doctor there, not ours, but we really liked her.  It was an uneventful appointment, no heartbeat, no ultrasound....kinda disappointing. It wasn't like they were unkind or anything.  I just miss my Dr. Katz and Stephanie. And Lisa and all the other amazing people at Reach.  They were family and when we had our last appointment I bawled as they kicked us out.  I will forever be thankful for that group of people, no one will ever be able to fill their place!  

As for you, my dear readers, now you know our great news!  No need to hold in the news....my class parents know, my students know and now cyber world knows!  Thank you for following our journey so far.  I can't even begin to tell you how much it means that you read, prayed, sent messages, etc.  Thank you for loving us!

Secret Post 7 weeks! (and 8)

How far along? 7 weeks!!
Maternity clothes? some...just got new pants in the mail!
Stretch marks? sure do....but plexus is helping:)
Sleep: I am tired all the time.  I usually can fall asleep butam waking up earlier than I want too!
Best moment this week: Hearing that sweet heartbeat and seeing baby SH on the ultrasound screen!
Miss Anything? Food. Momma is so disgusted by food that even her faves, ice cream and cheese are yucky!
Movement: nothing yet,but we still rub the belly to let SH know we are here!
Food cravings: Seem to be called to salty food.  I
Anything making you queasy or sick: food and some smells
Gender: We just want a sweet healthy baby
Labor Signs: Thank goodness no!
Symptoms: nauseous
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody.  Being sick and hungry are not good for this girl.
Looking forward to: Telling people!  I hate lying and I really want to share the news with everyone!

Secret Post 6 weeks!

How far along? 6 weeks!
Maternity clothes? a few shirts
Stretch marks?yes...using my Plexus body cream!
Sleep: for the most part this isn't an issue
Best moment this week: Being able to tell baby Sh's aunts and uncles!!
Miss Anything? nah....its all worth it!
Movement: not yet
Food cravings: apple juice maybe
Anything making you queasy or sick:food in general.  And especially having to eat it:(
Gender: Neither Paul or I have any ideas yet
Labor Signs: Oh my goodness no!!
Symptoms:my boobs hurt, super tired and this cold is giving me a run for my money!
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Hmmm...I am happy but moody because we are lying to everyone and I cant stand it!!!
Looking forward to: hearing that sweet heartbeat next week!

Secret post 9/3

Oh my friends if you would ask me 3 hours ago how this blog post would go I would have never told you that what I'm about to tell you would be happening.

Starting yesterday, September 2nd at 9 a.m. until about 10:45 this morning was the scariest time of my life. I thought for sure I had miscarried while teaching. 

On Monday afternoon I had to go in for blood work, which was amazing results at 1499. I had also had them test me for a UTI because I've been feeling some pain down there, you know how that goes ladies. I had more severe symptoms on Wednesday: sharp pains, while sitting not going to the bathroom just while sitting and lots of pressure down there. 

About 9 am I went to the bathroom and noticed some bleeding, which is normal in your first trimester to have spotting but when I wipe some gloopy stuff was there, I don't know how to explain it.

After talking to Stephanie about 9:15 she really wanted me to come in to be checked out and get fluids. She was sure I was passing kidney stones or some other kind of thing like that with my kidneys. We had agreed on 3 o'clock but after talking with Dr. Katz she wanted me now at 2 o'clock so I had to arrange to have my amazing TA cover me from 1 to 2.

About 11 o'clock I went to the bathroom and there was lots of blood and lots of gloopy stuff at this point I'm freaking out like really freaking out like "I'm-taking-a picture-sending-it-to-my-nurse-and-my-husband-and-telling-them-I'm-miscarrying."  I took a picture and sent it to Stephanie, it's not pretty! 

I left school at 1 o'clock. Got to the doctors office at 1:35 I'm pretty sure there was some speeding there. I had Paul meet me there because I just didn't think I could take the news by myself. When I got there,  because my nurse was working at a different office, no one knew what to do with me. Happens a lot she's the one that keeps everything moving at that office. Gosh I love her!

So here's what happens I go to the second floor, they don't know what to do with me so they send me to the first floor. I do get fluids after a few minutes.  Those poor nurses had such a hard time finding a spot for the fluids.They started with my right wrist and then my left hand and then another spot on my left and we finally found it and it finally started dripping of course we had to MacGyver it so it would stay flowing.  You know gauze under the needle to put pressure then tape down so it will flow correctly.

After about 20 minutes of the fluids the nurse practitioner came down to see me after listening to my lungs, heart and hearing my symptoms she agreed with me, that she thought I was miscarrying.  Its too early to do an ultrasound at this point whether the baby was there or not they would not be able to see or hear anything on the ultrasound. However they can do a blood test so if my numbers have gone down significantly I would have miscarried. If they have gone up I'm not miscarrying.

I have to stop here for a minute and tell you that Stephanie our nurse has been the fighting force with whole time even though she wasn't there, she kept the faith she believed it was just one of the medicine that I've been taking and it was just the oil coming out and irritated and made it bleed.

Okay so back to the blood test. My favorite technician Lisa came down to see me while they still giving fluids. She of course couldn't use the hand that they had used and the other hand, well its not a cooperative one and don't even get me started about my arms! However she found the perfect little teeny tiny vein on my right arm use a pediatric needle and got that blood out. 

Gosh I love Lisa! She can work miracles. She says its just cuz she's doing her job for so long but trust me I've had other nurses that take my blood and she's just that talented. She was also the only one who I felt like really connected with me and my story yesterday. She gave me a huge hug and told me she was so sorry. It feels so good to have people at a doctor's office to care as much about you being pregnant as you being pregnant. 

Of course the blood work machine had already been turned off so we didn't get the results until this morning.  Stephanie and I had agreed that she wouldn't call me until 11am, after I had left school. (Yes another sub, but there was no way I could be at school when hearing the fact that I had miscarried)  I was walking out my door at 10:46 when she called and my exact words "I need a few minutes to get out the door."  Her response "I have been waiting for an hour and half I cant wait any longer!"

Just so you know, at this point I am already in tears and she hasn't even told me anything.  Then she tells me......"You are still pregnant!  Your numbers have gone up even more!" (I dont remember the numbers but they were high!)  Now, I lose it!  I am not believing her, she is telling our other nurse I don't believe her.  Honestly I was so prepared for the bad news, I wasn't at all ready for good news. 

Once I finally decide to believe her and know that I am pregnant in my heart, I have to call Paul.  My husband is my rock but he was taking this possible news as hard as I was.  I called him, he closed his door when he saw my number.  I made sure he was sitting down and then sobbing told him "We are still pregnant!"  He was so confused, from my tears, my words, etc.  But all in all he was SO incredibly happy!!  I went to my parents house, walked in sobbing and announcing the great news!  Mom was also confused and so glad for the positive news.  Once my dad found out, we all started crying again.

I have never stopped being honest with you my dear readers and I won't stop now.  For 24 hours thinking that we had miscarried was the scariest time of my life and most depressing as well.  For my friends and readers who have truly miscarried, I will never understand your pain but please know I have a better appreciation for it. And I will always be thinking and praying for you!

Secret post 8/31

Y'all I am so excited to announce that we are out of the dark scary woods!  Not out of the woods...just the scary ones we have been in for a week.  Last week our numbers were at 336, we needed them close to 800 today but our baby...is AMAZING! Baby "SH" gave us numbers at 1499!!!!  That little baby just quadrupled!  Or at least the levels did...we are so happy!  We officially have told our immediate family, minus my brother who we are seeing Friday...and I have to tell him in person, he is going to be so excited :)

You are probably wondering about our name for the baby right now.  We, okay I, decided on SH, because we have two names picked out, one starting with an S and one with a H and we are keeping this baby a secret....hence the sh part!

Since we have made it to our 5 week mark, I thought it was time for pictures and a little info!

How far along: 5 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I am not measuring...I am sure the doctors will, but I am not stressing out about this part
Maternity clothes: well, only sometimes
Stretch marks: oh yeah...I need to start using my body cream!
Sleep: yes ;-) in the past few weeks I have taken several naps....and that is NOT like me!
Best moment this week: telling the random people we ran into (parking attendant at the Panthers game, ladies at Southern Women's show booth) that we were preggo!  If we cant tell people we know....why not strangers!
Miss Anything: I missed being able to have prosciutto at Bucca's.  They have some amazing food there!
Movement: nope
Food cravings: not really...having a hard time deciding what I want to eat period
Anything making you queasy or sick: the smell of smoke, tar (road construction) 
Gender: Paul is thinking girl, but we both agree that we will just be happy with a healthy baby!
Labor Signs: nope
Symptoms: cramps, hot flashes at night
Belly Button in or out: in
Wedding rings on or off: on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!!! I have found myself snapping at some points though
Looking forward to: Telling the world!!  We have decided to tell after the ultrasound mid September.  My lie count is in the double digits :(

Secret post 8/27

Well we got the great news on Monday that our numbers HAD increased from 57 to 139!! So while our numbers were low, they had doubled, and that's the important part!  I can tell you leaving early the first day of school was hard to go get that test but so worth it!  I love my new class! But I left them in good hands for sure! 

At this point I have lost count how many people I have lied to.  Many of your remembered that I would find out Friday,  some that I don't even think read this blog!  I have had to look in your eyes, or close to it, and say "no, we aren't pregnant."  I am shocked I haven't laughed, smiled or even just told you the truth. We are trying so hard to keep this in that when I called the pharmacy to send more meds and they asked I was pregnant I almost lied to THEM!  I forgot they need to know these things.

This morning I had to go back in for our third pregnancy test. I got there at 6:20am with another crazy lady. We talked and two more ladies came and they talked. Then my sweet friend I have met (and who had her transfer two days after me) was there! I knew that could only mean she was pregnant too!  So exciting!!! 

Going up to the receptionist desk was hilarious. We were all chatting and laughing, not the norm! Went upstairs and my girl Lisa was there! Love her.  Blood drawn and out the door before 7:20!  I have said it before and I will say it again, I love REACH. I know some people don't have great experiences but that's true everywhere: hair salons, dentist, grocery stores. I am a firm believer in you get what you put into it. I treat them with love and respect and I get it back:)

I had asked Stephanie to call between 2:15-3 and at 3:07 I was ansty!! She did call and our numbers doubled yet again to 388!!  Wahoo!  But we still can't tell anyone:( and I have to go in for more bloodwork:(  

So the "happy" number that they are looking for is 1,000 and Stephanie won't stop worrying till we hear the heartbeat (at our first ultrasound in a few weeks)  So my dear friends, I am totally avoiding you; I am not meeting your happy smiles when I see that glint in your eyes; You probably know you know, but you want me to tell you.

And here is the 100% truth: I WANT TO TELL YOU!! It's killing Paul and I not to tell you. We want to scream it at the top of our lungs. We want to celebrate with cake! (No seriously we do!)  We really appreciate the understanding and space you are giving us. And I really appreciate that you aren't trying to trick me into telling you.

Love you tons. XOXOXO

Secret post 8/21

Oh my goodness!!!! Today is the day that we find out!!! I can't even begin to tell you how I am feeling. Hopeful, nervous, excited, emotional and then there is the nausea, heartburn and acid reflux. Oh and don't forget this past week has been a week of required workdays getting ready for the new school year starting Monday 8/24. So yeah there has been some stress too.

I went in for blood work first thing and then got to school in time for our meetings. I'm very thankful to work in school where my administration is supportive and understanding. I was also very glad to have things to focus on besides "the call".  I had already arranged for Stephanie to call between 3:30-4. I left the building at 3:25 and waited and waited.

She called at 3:55...ahhhh!  That was a long 30 minutes of waiting!  And the news......

"YOU ARE PREGNANT! but...we are being cautiously optimistic." 

So here is the reasoning...when looking at levels of the hormones they are looking for a number high than 100. In my first go around my numbers were only 4.9, I didn't ask in 2 round. This time it was 57.4. So I am definitely pregnant but, we need this number to double by Monday. Here is how I explain this: our embryo implanted! But we need it to keeping growing. I would be asking for massive prayers right now but no one is seeing this blog for awhile. And I know you are praying for us now even if you don't know what exactly to pray for. Thank you for the prayers. :)

Here is the big problem: blood work needs to be done Monday before 1pm. But it's the first day of school. So I found a dear friend to come sub for me 10:45-2pm. She will be with me and the kiddos until I have to leave around noon. For anyone I run into when I'm leaving, I apologize for lying to you. I know you probably knew what was going and hopefully you understand why I lied. Please forgive me!

Monday night we will find out the results. We hope the numbers have doubled and that I have to go back for more blood work on Wednesday!  If the numbers have doubled then...then we are officially pregnant!! No we still aren't telling people. We still want to wait to the first ultrasound in September. I realize that I may not be able to keep this secret from many people, but I am going to try. Especially my New Town peeps...yall just can't keep secrets...but I do love you so much!!  You have been the most supportive bunch of coworkers a girl could ask for!

Secret post 8/11

This is totally a #laterpost. I got so good about not posting that I forgot to secret blog.  So I am going to try to remmeber back and finish this post best I can. 

So I have been sticking to my guns about not blogging, and not stressing!  This time around I have really put my trust in God, knowing He has a plan and really trying to let Him have it!:)  It hasn't been the easiest but my stress level has been down!   That is until I realized the one shot I take after my transfer is not in my house...I didn't fill it through our mail order pharmacy :( 

I had to go in for blood work this am because a few days ago my numbers were border line. So as I am giving blood, I am emailing our nurse. When I went to check out I also asked to speak with a nurse. Lucky for me there is a special pharmacy right around the corner. Crisis #1 averted!!

Now back to that borderline comment...they were checking to see if I would need additional medications after the transfer. (Which they did put me on)

The transfer part was funny, exhilarating and hopefully will be successful!  Our nurse, Stephanie, always comes in to see us, give pep talks, hugs, well wishes, and to give our doctor a hard time:)  She didn't disappoint!  Then Dr. Katz came in and we talked. He seemed in super high spirits, and said our embryo thawed out wonderfully!  I was so excited to get this show on the road. When he first came in I took his hands in mine and said "Do I need to bless these hands?!"  Then we noticed a bug bite on his hand...then we got off topic. I know I said "Let's make sure we get some gloves on these things!"  Yeah I think the Valium was working at this point.

Once I got back to the procedure room, they had to undo my gown so I can lay down.  That's when they all noticed my 'infection' site. I had two nurses, maybe three, a nurse practitioner and Dr Katz all in amazement. Now mind you, not only did this happen way back in June but two different doctors and two different nurses in the practice have all seen it  Dr Katz accused me of not telling him how bad it was..ha! I told him that's because the last time I saw you, we were more worried about the empty tissue box!

Our procedure went the same as the last 2 times. It never gets old seeing them transfer the embryo into me.  Once my 30 minutes of laying down was done...I ran down the hallway to go to the bathroom. That full bladder is no joke!!

Fingers crossed, prayers being said that this embryo is the embryo we have been waiting for all along!

Oh the plans!

This cycle has its own plethora of plans!

Plan A would have been that my period started yesterday and go in for ultrasound and blood work today.

Plan B was that my period didn't start and I still go in for bloodwork and ultrasound and start patches later.

Plan C is my period starts while I'm at the jamberry conference in Dallas Texas, find a fertility clinic to have bloodwork and ultrasound there then start patches

Plan D will be that my period never decide to come and we will have to skip this time around.

So we ended the day with a combination of plan B and plan E (which was not mentioned...lol)  So I did go in for bloodwork and ultrasound. The doctor said that my lining looked good and Stephanie called this afternoon to say my numbers were good!  So even with no period, my hormones levels and uterus lining were good to go!:)  Estrogen patches and another pill were added to the mix. I will go back in for blood work and ultrasound to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing.

The only difference in this visit that I noticed was that this time around there were no cysts. I've had them before and they weren't "issues" but now with none....maybe this is our best chance!

I think I have also decided to not post my blogs for awhile...torture right?!  Hear me out though:  if everything continues as it should transfer will be August 11th, and pregnancy test will be August 21st.  Then we are supposed to wait another few weeks for the ultrasound. So we are looking at over a month of me not posting. But I'm going to be totally honest, August is a super crazy time of year being a teacher! Week of the 17th: getting room ready. Week of 24th: beginning of school. All the other weeks of September: trying to keep my sanity and teach these babies how to be first graders. If the news is good I will want to share to the ultrasound to be sure it really took and the baby is growing. If the news is not good, I can stay busy with my kiddos, and not worry about posting the sad news. And either way once I do post again you will be really excited!...right??  Hehe

Just so you know I am contemplating adding a school section and possible a jamberry section to this blog. So I would still be blogging, but about different things. Thoughts?  Suggestions? 

We love you all and know that you are right there with us, hoping and praying that THIS embryo is the one we have been waiting for all along! 

Babies, Babies Everywhere!

When you are living this crazy journey of infertility you feel like all around you are pregnant women and babies! It can be infuriating, frustrating, make you weepy, and every once in awhile it makes you happy!  Every kiddo Paul and I see under the age of 5 is so cute, adorable and when appropriate we want to hold and play with them!  

Last weekend we were able to visit our friends in Delaware with their 24 hour old newborn!  I'm not going to lie, it was tough to make the decision to go see them.  Not because we don't love them or didn't want to support them, but oh...to have a sweet baby, and us not even pregnant!  But it was the right decision and we both really enjoyed going!  Paul did wonderful and so did the baby....everyone survived :)  

This time around, I feel God working on me, where as last time....well let's just say I wasn't hopeful or rooting for us. This past week I took the kiddos I nanny to swim practice.  While there I usually read a book, make phone calls, work on my tan, etc.  There is a woman giving swim lessons to younger kiddos and thats fun to watch!  So there was a sweet family of mom, 3/4 year old girl getting swim lesson, and a toddler who with his baby brother sat with mom at the table next to me.  We had talked a bit, about silly things and oh that baby...I just wanted to pinch his chubby cheeks!  When the swim lesson was over, the toddler was having a tough time leaving, not sure what it was about.  I never want to seem intrusive so I usually stay out of the toddler tantrums unless I personally know the kiddo and family.  But holding a baby, swim bag, huge police car and trying to get a screaming toddler off the cement, the mom just seemed in need of help!  So I just casually turned around and asked the simple question "Can I help you?"  I could feel the mom's tension just roll off.  She said "Yes can you just hold him for a minute?" This woman trusted me with her baby....just handed him over to me.   Oh it was wonderful!  Love sweet baby cuddles.  Maybe it was the fact that it was her 3rd kiddo, or that she needed the help super bad, or maybe the Lord just said "She can be trusted."  Whatever it was, I knew God had my back!

Then last night we were at Paul's coworkers wedding...you guessed it..another baby was there!  Here is the difference, while i wanted to hold the baby, Paul is dying to hold him!  At one point Paul told his co-worker "I am going to steal your baby if that's okay?"  It really wasn't a questions, but he waited for an answer.  Paul did wonderful with him.  It made my heart so incredibly happy to see him holding, playing and being silly with that little one.   I was able to hold and play with him too...no worries I got my baby cuddles in!

I am becoming more immune to the pregnancies around me.  It's been hard, but I think I can handle the announcements and photos much better now than 6 months and a year ago.  Now for those babies...how can I fault them?  They are so precious.  Just don't be surprised if I ask to hold, borrow or love on your baby!  

Strength in numbers

Our fertility center offers a support group once a month. I'm going to be honest when we first started going to our center, I thought "hey we know the problem and have fixed the issue, I don't need a support group"  well several months later, 2 rounds with no implantation,  I found myself craving this support group!  In fact I was really upset that I could only find two support groups in Charlotte, and only meeting once a month each.

And yet tonight I wanted to not go.  I was being cowardly. I was nervous about the other people, I was nervous about sharing my story (crazy right?) And I was really nervous I was going to cry the entire time and look like that girl!

Well I cried on my way there, and I did cry in therapy. But unexpectedly I laughed too!  I met some great people there, we are all in different places in this journey and were able to support each other or give advice. One thing we talked about was what to say to people who are asking "When you going to get pregnant?"  This is hard, because some of us are more blunt than others and some people just can't take a hint.

We used to tell people "we are working on it." But people didn't stop asking. That's one of the many blessings about this blog..people don't ask anymore. But not everyone is going to start a blog and be as open as we are. So another idea was to share your story with one or a few people and have then tell everyone else. For those of us working in a place where everyone asks this really works. But even talking to family is hard. We are blessed to have a supportive family and we do have family "reps" who spread the word to other family members.

All in all, I'm really glad I went to group and hope that I am able to connect with these women. They are helping me already and I hope that I can help them!

Round 3....here we go...again!

I honestly thought the months of February 2014-November 2014 were the hardest months.  We had no positive pregnancy tests, no answers from doctors and lots of frustrations.  But now as we start round 3 I am telling you these are the hardest months!!  These months we don't pee on sticks, so no need to buy them and have hope!  We know why we couldn't get pregnant, but we are so confused why these last 2 rounds of IVF haven't worked.  It's heartbreaking, frustrating and very very irritating! 

Thank you for all your sweet messages last week.  They meant a ton, they really did! 

This round is going to be a quick one. When I started my cycle on Tuesday and finally talked to Stephanie, our nurse, I explained that I thought we were going to have to skip a month.  Had we stayed on target and done the same as round 2, I would be missing my required workdays or the first week of school....NOT OKAY! Not only I am a bit of a work-oholic, but it's just not good work ethics, fair to the kiddos and the stress....it's big time!

That was our original idea...just skip this next month. But Stephanie had some other ideas: skipping birth control and Lupron (which meant flying from Delaware back to Charlotte last Thursday night) or the plan we are going with...known as Round 3!

Round 3 began last Wednesday.  I was on day 2 of cycle and we started the birth control.  I will continue on the pill until the 20th.  (It was going to be 21st, but this year is going to JAM CON! on Thursday and we aren't taking any chances) We will be seeing Dr. Katz on the 20th to talk about this round, and I hope, what he thinks happened last time.  On the 22nd I will be going in for ultrasound and bloodwork.  And then hopefully starting the estrogen patches up again.  (So basically we are shortening birth control and skipping Lupron)  My next transfer will be August 11th and I am praying this embryo is the one we have been waiting on. Third time is a charm right?  We know that God has a plan, but its super hard waiting on Him to reveal it to us.

A wonderful friend of Paul's (and mine) sent us a message that just....was...amazing.  With his permission I am sharing these words, not only so we remember them, but to help others out there. 

"Just want the both of you to know that you're in my prayers, and I mean that literally, not just saying it. I hope that you both keep your heads up and know that the Lord works in mysterious ways (i know you already know that). God will never give you more than you can handle, and he puts his heaviest loads upon the shoulders of his strongest disciples. I love you both, and know that I am here for you no matter what, no matter when." 

I had forgot in my sorrow that He won't give me more than I can handle.  I AM strong enough to handle the sadness and the ups and downs.  Thank you dear friends for hanging in there with us, loving us through it all. We are blessed by your support!

Tough week

I would be in the wrong if I didn't recognize that while our journey has definitely had its sad moments, we have others in our life struggling with much bigger heartbreaks! 

Paul's neighbor from Delaware suddenly died earlier this week. We were both in shock by this news. John had been there when we met and started our relationship 6 years ago. he provided lots of entertainment and laughs throughout the years.

Then my co-worker's 19 year old daughter was killed in a car accident. I have been hearing stories about Emily on and off for the past 8 years and this summer I finally met her and even spent some time with her. She was an amazing, beautiful person inside and out!  She loved working with children and was a great person to talk too. I know she will forever be missed by all who met her. If you feel i clined to help to this sweet family here is the link: https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/z5f9/the-emily-parker-memorial-fund?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_feed&utm_campaign=php_donate-receipt_top-fraggles&og_action=hug&fb_ref=feed-fraggles&t=3

Our prayers for both families are more than daily, we can not imagine how the parents feel but know that God is wrapping them in His arms and loving them through this awful times.

We do have a new plan in place for ourselves and will be sharing that in our next blog post. Thank you for continuing to follow us in this journey.

Heartbroken

I will try to keep this post short...the news we received on Friday was not what we wanted. It was the same news we have been receiving since February 2014. That's 18 months of sadness. For anyone who has gone thru the hoping and praying and wishing of wanting a positive pregnancy test and then receiving the opposite news you know the feeling is just heartbreaking.

So we have one more frozen embryo. My cycle started today, then the same medicine protocol as last time. Depending on the timing though we may need to skip this month altogether.

By our calculations the next transfer would be during my required workdays. I know I could use sick time, but that week and the following (first week of school) would be the two worst weeks to miss time. So we will just see what happens I guess.

Till next time dear readers...

Sleepless night

I know there is nothing I can do, but I'm so anxious about our first blood test tomorrow. I'm either pregnant right now, or I am not, I get that. Tomorrow is just a blood test to see where our numbers are. This time around I'm way more nervous.

I think for me it's because if we aren't pregnant I will have a harder time grieving. We are leaving town for 10 days!  I will be with my my inlaws, brother in law, sister in law and niece and nephew the whole time. It's not that I don't want to see them (Love you all!)  It's just that the last time I had a few days to grieve with Paul and then had a constant 24 kiddos pulling me all directions at school. So this time around, I will need to pull it together faster. I'm hoping that my niece and nephew will keep me occupied. Who am I kidding they are 5 and half...I will be super busy!!  :)

So as we enter the next few hours please continue to pray for us. Pray for good news, pray for support, pray for comfort and grace. Pray for it all!!

Tomorrow we will have the blood test at 7 am and find out the results hopefully before noon. We will be telling immediate family at that point, because let's be honest, I'm not going to be able to hide the news all week. If our numbers are in a certain range, I will have another blood test Monday. At this point we are hoping the numbers are doubling. And then another one on Wednesday. Again looking for increasing, doubling numbers. At that point, if everything looks good we will schedule an ultrasound for the end of July. Then my dear friends you will know. So just assume no news is good news:)  unless I am secret posting like last time...but you just won't know until you know ;)
Love you and I thank you so much for all your support during this crazy time of our lives...now I have to find the tissues because these drugs make me cry at everything! 

Oh the Oil!!!

The first time around with all the meds it was hard to tell which ones were making me feel what.  This time around I was on the estrogen patches for a while and I didn't feel too many side effects.  But since being on the progesterone oil....whoa baby!

The biggest side effects I have been experiencing are tearfulness (it doesn't take much), overheating (I need a cool pillow, or fan or something at night) and a touch of paranoia.Although in talking to my trusted advisers, (true friends who love me even when I'm insane), so far most of my paranoia isn't completely unjustified.  Which is really comforting...seriously! 

The good news is that the shots are going really well.  The only welt I have had so far is because we forgot to heat the oil first.  I know I know, I just wrote about those steps!  But another side effect is mush brain, and yes I have it.  I am having to write down things that I should be able to remember and hold on to.  If I get pregnant, I know this will be a common occurrence...so forgive me now

Tomorrow is T-day.  We will be transferring two embryos tomorrow.  So far my uterus lining has been measuring great!  On Sunday I had blood work and my progesterone levels weren't as high as they wanted, so we upped the dosage of the oil.  Here's to hoping for sticky uterus!!

...They're Back....

Before I even get into this post...I hope my grammar friends are so proud of me for using the right "they're" If you don't know someone who is a grammar fiend, I have plenty to spare!  :) 

On Thursday night we jumped right back in the saddle with the progesterone oil shots...which happen to go in my butt.  If you are just joining us on this journey, these shots are not so much fun.  We have learned through practice that icing the cheek for at least 20 minutes, heating oil with heating pad and then heating after applied really does help.  DON'T try to be the brave woman here...thats what natural childbirth is all about!  If you don't do these things we have found that huge welts and massive uncomfortabliness in any sitting situation occur.  And I don't care you who are...no one needs a hero in infertility meds! Another reason I don't love this med, besides the pain, is the crazy it makes me feel.  I have been on the estrogen patches for several weeks and have only noticed a small difference. But these shots....this is all I have to say:

I am super lucky to have the husband I do.  He continues to say the sweetest things to others about all I am enduring.  We had a conversation with one of our Pastor's today.  And while granted I was already teary-eyed and emotional, Paul just starts talking about all I have been going through and that out of anyone I deserve to have a baby. I just started bawling.  I love him for saying that. But I truly believe that anyone who wants a baby should be able to have one, if that means adoption, getting pregnant "the normal way", using a surrogate, using donor sperm/egg/embryo, etc!  I am no more special than anyone else out there.  This is something I, and Paul, really want.  No question in my mind that I wouldn't do these shots, meds, heartbreak, etc to end up with a baby or two :) Although I wouldn't lie to you...I have threatened giving him a shot or two in this last round!

And just so you know that this post is brought to you by ecards:

....And I cried

So I have been on the estrogen patches for a bit and am up to 4 patches.  The only differences I have seen are either starving, or not hungry.  Well last night I began to feel something new. I have only been getting one shot at night(compared to 3 a night in round 1) and this shot is only 5 units, very small amount.  But last night when it came to shot time, I cried.  I said I didn't want to do this anymore, I was done with shots.  Obviously I didn't mean it, round 2 has been so much easier.  There is only one shot and one pill a day.  The only thing I can say is it had to be the hormones.  

Tomorrow I go in for blood work and an ultrasound to make sure everything is falling into place.  If all is good on the 18th I will begin the progesterone oil shots again. Now, those will be painful.  My butt has finally healed, and I am NOT looking forward to months of that shot. I know the end result is worth it.....so we will heat oil, ice butt and then massage butt afterwards.  If anyone comes across any other remedies, please pass them along!  

Here we go!

Thursday afternoon aunt flo finally showed up!  I needed to go in Friday am for blood work and ultrasound. The only bad thing was that we were going to Zac Brown Band on Thursday night. It was a great show, he did an amazing show with some really great covers. The bad thing, the parking lot afterwards. We didn't get home till after midnight.

In an effort to get just a little sleep, I didn't make sure I was at Reach 20 minutes before they opened. No lie I pulled in to the parking lot at 7:03....and I was there for an hour!  Usually I am one of the first people there and am out of there in about 30 minutes. Who knew that it really mattered to get there super early! 

We got the go ahead to start estrogen patches. We decreased the Lupron in half, added a nighttime pill and the estrogen patches start.  The patches are a bit different this time. They are changed every other day and are increased. So I am on one patch now but will be increasing them as we go on. I will be up to 4 patches on at once mid June. Poor Paul,  and anyone else who has to deal with me! 

***update, 6/9 I started two patches. I can def tell I am a bit more irrational...although today was the last day of school. So that could just be the stress. ***

Round 2: FET

On Tuesday we had our consultation about Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET)  First of all I have to say I super proud of myself, I didn't cry once!!  This month has not been mine finest, but I'm healing and on the upswing!

We met with Dr. Katz and there are no answers or reasons why round 1 didn't work. He did tell us that because of our day 5 transfer, and my estrogen levels, that could be the reason. Embryos that make it to day 6 are much stronger than the ones on day 5. Who knew 24 hours made that big of a difference. The estrogen levels during first round 1 weren't super high in where they were concerned about my health, but high for someone who gets pregnant normally.

He is very confident about round 2. The birth control and Lupron are going to make my system, and levels in a more normal state. We had lots of discussion about how many to transfer 1 or 2. The stats actually played a big part. Our concerns were based on the end results, 1-being pregnant! 2-mutliples (and how many?) So we are going to be transferring 2 embryos. It does increase our chances of twins to a 35% chance. But the likely hood of quadruplets is not even a full 1%... however the Dr has seen it happen before. We all laughed knowing that we have already surprised Dr Katz a few times, so it's possible we will surprise him again!

Round 2 meds are much easier. I have spent over 3 weeks on birth control, last pill is tonight!   On Tuesday I started Lupron (shot) which does two things, stops me from ovulating and increases the uterus lining. This shot is so tiny I'm letting anyone give me the shot...just kidding!  But I am open to people helping this time. We made a neighbor/friend watch us this week, and our trusty Mrs. Claus came to my rescue as Paul was unable to come home from work last night. 

We are in this waiting game of when my cycle will start, then I got in for ultrasound and blood work. Mid June we will start the progesterone oil shot again....ug, my poor butt!  I will also start some antibiotics and other meds (all pills) to prepare for the transfer. At some point I will go in for them to check the thickness of the lining to make sure I am on track.

Transfer is scheduled for June 23rd followed by a shot that day and then bed rest.  We will have season 5 and the new season of PLL to watch.  Paul and I have started Scandal, we most likely will be done before bed rest gets here...so what else do we need to watch?!

The Night Before

The Night Before

To say we are anxious, is definitely down-playing our feelings. There are so many moving parts in this journey, and a bunch that are behind the scene.  It's all coming together but in true Cogan/Lyons fashion....at the last possible minute! We are lucky to have great family, friends and Facebook connections!  Oh Facebook, even Paul is starting to love you.  

We are also excited about what this all means.  The eggs come out....they get made into sweet little embryos and then back in me for them to become babies!! I am not sure who is going to be more excited about the positive pregnancy news...Paul or me....or our parents!  

We also are very aware that this may not take the first time.  We know many people have had to do this several times, but as one of my best friend's said (right before her wedding) "I'm not focusing on it not working out my way.  But I will at least think about it for a few minutes."  LOL....we were in a huge rainstorm and had to plan for rain plans.  It all worked out though she had her outdoor ceremony!  But I digress...

The plan is to transfer them back in on Sunday and some more bed rest. This time the bed rest is more serious, no stairs for 24-48 hours. Paul and my mom are already coming with a schedule for taking care of me:)  I have such a blessed life! Even through the struggles I can see and feel this. 

I'm supposed to get good rest tonight, but that's not going to happen, so if you wanna chat I will probably be up:)